Venture Capital Apocalypse

Good afternoon LPs,

Trump has been in office less than a month and he’s already taken over 95% of the news. I gotta be honest, I’m struggling here. Everything he does is stupid and hilarious which is making my job irrelevant. If things get worse, I might have to take drastic measures and start calling my rivals wives ugly.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

Real news, fake headlines

Elon Musk withdrew funding from a U.S. project that sent $50M worth of condoms to Mozambique stating, “Wearing a condom is worse than getting AIDS”  - (The Guardian) 

Nasa announced an Asteroid is poised to strike earth in 2032, Israel is reportedly researching if they can get it to hit Gaza (X)

The Whitehouse revealed that all U.S. government retirement paperwork is stored in an underground Limestone mine. Trump reportedly asked if he could store his ex-wives down there. (X)

OpenAI offers to buy X for $9.7B, Musk unwilling to sell for anything less than $69B (Forbes)

The VC Apocalypse is Here

Earlier this week, a data scientist published an alarming X thread that claimed that the VC market was on the brink of collapse. 

This news was a huge shock to the Jabroni Capital team. Apparently valuing publicly traded tech companies like Shopify at 50x revenue and buying unprofitable startups for $1B was bad. It was impossible for us to have foreseen this. 

As a result, I fired my entire analyst team. Did I tell them to fudge the firms numbers? Maybe. But I wasn’t actually expecting them to do it! I just thought that in 2021 when my analysts forecasted we would make $80 trillion dollars that our fund was way better than a16z. 

In the wake of this data, we’ve been forced to make drastic changes to how we invest and value companies. This new model that we’ve come up with is unprecedented and revolutionary.

We call the model: PROFIT

From now on we will only invest in companies that make money. I know what you’re thinking, “Jack, this is crazy”. But times are tough and in order to survive we must take risks.

Below is a list of factors we previously used to calculate valuations. These are tightly held industry secrets used by top VC funds like Sequoia, Jabroni Capital, and a16z. 

• Cool logo: +$50M 

• Asian CTO: +$125M

• Expensive office with free snacks: +$18M

• Female CTO: -$30M

• CEO who posts on X at least 30 times a day: +$90M

• Realistic financial projections: -$100B

• Coders that only wear hoodies & sandals: +$37M

Unfortunately these valuation factors will no longer work and we’ll have to resort to assessing companies based on vanity metrics like “revenue” and “growth”.

Join My Webinar For Founders Raising $1-3M

Time for a shameless plug

Spring is almost here. Which means thousands of startup founders are preparing for fundraising hell.

Instead of selling feet pics to pay rent, I can help you raise money for your company.

That’s why I’m hosting two free webinars next Wednesday and Thursday for founders who are raising $1-3M this year.

In the past year I’ve helped pre-seed and seed founders raise $150M+and have been told my workshops don’t make people want to stab out their eyes.

If you want help doing the same, sign up for either of the days below.

Memes

I made this the other day. It’s dumb but made me laugh my ass off.

This is expertly done. Hats off to Melody.

mytechceo

View more on Instagram

The worlds #1 autist is ruining OpenAI’s week.

Song of the Day

When I was 20 I would walk around Belgrade, Serbia alone listening to this song. The entire time I lived there I refused to buy a data plan for the my phone. When I left my house I was completely disconnected, exploring a city where I didn’t speak the language. It was remarkably freeing to get lost, absorb songs like this by myself, and forget about the fact that my life was falling apart.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital