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Look babe, my Spotify wrapped is out!
Good morning LPs,
Bitcoin hit $103k this morning which means I’m officially rich enough to start ignoring my family and friends. Some people get rich so they can help others. I got rich so I could isolate myself on top of a mountain of gold. Friends can disappoint you, but money will always be there to pick you back up.
Let’s get into it.
2024 Forbes 30 Under 30 Released
On Wednesday Forbes released their latest batch of 30 under 30. As you all know I’ve been an outspoken critic of Forbes, so this inspired me to create my own list.
Introducing The Top Jabroni’s Under 30
Content Creators
First up we have Lilly Phillips who’s our top pick in the content creator category. Unlike many Forbes creators who lack ambition and hustle, she’s working around the clock to achieve her goals.
Sadly she’s the only creator on this list whose parents weren’t excited for her to receive this prestigious award.
Her goal of fucking 1000 guys in a day is truly ambitious. By my estimates just the STD tests will cost her around $250,000 (which is a number I did not have to look up, due to my recent trip to Thailand).
Given that there were 1,300 Forbes 30u30 awards this year, it’s statistically more challenging to fuck the worlds biggest whore - that’s impressive.
Venture Capital
Naturally, I won my own award for the 27th year running. I was trying to win the award for top whore, hence the trip to Thailand, but unfortunately Lilly had me beat.
Health & Wellness
Bryan is the winner of our health and wellness category. After his intense work Johnson has the biological age of a 24 year old, making him eligible to be on this list and one of our unpaid interns. If he keeps this up, next year he will be too young to make the list and will have to nominated for 18 under 18.
Defense & Military Technology
This year Palmer Luckey, CEO of Anduril is our top pick. Despite not being under 30, he was eligible for the list because he’s taken the lives of thousands of people under 30. Shockingly more people than Lilly Phillips has fucked.
Our runner up for this list was a child soldier from the Congo, but sadly Luckey beat him due to white privilege.
Sports & Fitness
Jake Paul is the winner of our sports category this year. We’re always impressed when someone manages to make millions of dollars beating up an old man. He was scheduled to fight Bryan Johnson later this year, but sadly Johnson is now legally a minor and the fight is off.
Jokes aside, we want to congratulate all of the Forbes 30u30 winners this year for all the hard work their PR teams had to do and the money their rich parents were forced to dish out.
P.S. If you have a founder that you would like to see submitted to the quarterly Jabroni list - let us know.
Memes
Honestly it’s not the worst idea of all time.
America’s top CEO has a plan to make you a better employee.
Seeing the United Healthcare CEO get shot made me realize I treated you as deductible when I should have put a premium on you to fully cover the preexisting conditions of our relationship. No need to reply, I know this is out of pocket and open enrollment for your heart has ended
— The Ball Is Orange (@theballisorange)
3:28 PM • Dec 4, 2024
This might be the top tweet of the month.
Song of the Day
This was my most listened to song this year. Vultures 2 was absolute fucking garbage but Vultures 1 at least had this banger song. Freddie Gibbs feature at the end of the song is by far the highlight.
I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)
How was the newsletter today? |
That’s all for this week folks,
Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital
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