The Gaza Riviera

Good morning LPs,

Season 1 of the Trump presidency has been exhilarating. He’s launched a meme coin, thrown the Department of Education in the garbage, bullied world leaders, and in his latest stunt offered to take over Gaza. Three weeks in and it feels like we’re almost at a season finale, hopefully this one is better than the ending of Game of Thrones. Sure we might be poised for a nuclear holocaust - but that’s why I bought an Island. In the mean time, I’m sitting back, sipping a Margherita, and watching the world burn.

Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

Real news, fake headlines

Daniel Penny, aka the subway strangler, has been hired by a16z. Marc Andreessen said, “we value employees that take action and dominate the competition”. (New York Post)

Trump moves to dismantle the Department of Education stating, “Our people have gone full retard, it’s cheaper to get one subscription to Khan Academy and give everyone the password”.  (Axios)

The Oval Office has moved to dismantle the USAID because Trump mistakenly thought it was sponsoring the AIDS epidemic. (AP)

100,000 eggs were stolen in Pennsylvania. In response Denny’s created a new dish called the Eggs Banditect - which is just hollandaise, toast, and ham. (X)

Trump Announces Plan to Take Over Gaza

On Tuesday President Donald Trump announced plans to solve the crisis in Gaza by having the U.S. take control over the region. 

Here is his 3 step plan.

Step 1: There is an ongoing food shortage in Gaza. To combat this, Trump will open 43 Arby’s. 

Trump went on record saying, “Arby’s has the beef - no pork. My people tell me the mussies can’t do pork. These guys, I could never. I love my bacon.”

Step 2: There are a lot of radical Islamists in the region. Trump wants to put an end to this by offering pornhub premium subscriptions and a $500 gift card to OnlyFans to all Gaza residentsP

When asked why Trump said, “These guys don’t cum! Waiting till marriage? Of course you’ll blow up a building. Melania once held out on me for 2 weeks and I nearly joined Isis. North Korea sent their best guys to Ukraine and they haven’t killed a single person - too busy beating off. Everyone knows you get sleepy.”

Step 3: In an unprecedented move, Trump will force Google to move its headquarters to Gaza to provide jobs and infrastructure. 

He said, “Google won’t even know they moved from SF. They looked the same, I call market street mini-Gaza. People shitting on the streets, tents on fire. It’s a mess, but somehow the city is worth a trillion dollars. Have you been to SF? They love Palestine. Very inclusive people. These guys went on the street and said they wanted to help them. Well good news, now you can.”

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Memes

This hits too close to home.

This is the only logical next step after a16z hired Penny.

highyield.harry

View more on Instagram

Honestly he should feel bad.

Song of the Day

When I was in high school I was in what my brother described as a “emo-sexual” phase of my life. This naturally meant that I was obsessed with The Cure. I had a huge crush on a friend of mine and learned to play their song, Just Like Heaven on the piano to win her over. Miraculously she didn’t think I was a complete fucking dork and we ended up dating. Either way The Cure is still one of my favorite bands and this is a beautiful song.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital