The Democrats storm the Capitol

Good afternoon LPs,

I’m back. 

If you’re wondering where this newsletter has been for the past 6 months, I promise it’s not that I got lazy while building my business. It’s because I was swindled. 

Earlier in 2026, everyone was telling me I had to get AI to automate my work. And although in a perfect world I’d like to write this newsletter, my assumption was that I could get an AI to entertain all 40,000 of you, numskulls. After all, I’m not exactly Dave Chappelle, so I figured it couldn’t be that hard.

As it turns out, I have no fucking clue how to use AI. Because for the past 6 months I thought I was getting AI agents to research, write, and publish newsletters for you people. But in reality, I was just paying a French guy named Claude $2,800/month for no reason. 

So it looks like I’m back to writing newsletters. 

P.S. If our time apart has made me realize you hate me. I understand and unsubscribe below. 

But if not, buckle up because I’ve got a lot of pent-up sexual frustration that only a long-winded incoherent rant can help numb. 

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

by Carson Badamo | Managing Degenerate @ Jabroni Capital

California puts a law into place that could cost $50,000 per user on social media. Gavin Newsom starts feeling himself again after the big blue wave. Meta, TikTok, and YouTube are obviously suing (Read more)

Crypto crypto’ed again with the latest $6.3 billion hack of Binance, but I’m making the case that being an international cyber criminal is the coolest way to make money (Read more)

AI Delusion

In case you missed it, the U.S. mid-term elections wrapped up last week, and the democrats won in a landslide. This has huge implications for many industries, but the hot-button topic is how it’ll affect AI. 

I’ll give you a quick summary. 

The republican party tried a couple of bold new strategies in the last 2 years to try to win the hearts and minds of the American People:

• They did TikTok dances in front of Mexican children in cages

• They had masked Gestapos violate constitutional rights all across the country

• Told everyone the economy was great even though literally no one can get a job 

• Used Polymarket to insider trade on a War they started with Iran

• Kept funding another Middle Eastern country that’s totally not violating human rights 

• Allowed big tech to buy up the already unaffordable homes and replace them with data centers 

Although these were creative and fun ideas, everyone hated them. 

The good news is those retards have been kicked out. The bad news is they’ve been replaced by a new, more woke variation of retard.

So what does the political landscape have to do with AI? 

Well, in case you haven’t noticed, pretty much every major tech company has cozied up to the republican party. The Trump administration has given the tech industry very limited oversight in the AI arms race. These companies have been able to easily build data centers, develop innovative AI-powered blowjob robots, and create AI models that they claim have a 10% chance of destroying the world. 

In fairness to the republican party and to tech moguls, there’s an argument to be made for the unfettered advancement of AI. China and our adversaries would love nothing more than for the U.S. government to halt AI development, so that their countries can take the lead. 

The problem is that tech nerds live in giant mansions in San Francisco that shelter them from the harsh realities that the rest of the world suffers from. Sam Altman, Elon, and Dario love to tell us that we won’t need jobs because AI will do all the work. 

The oligarchs’ two main assumptions are: 

1. AI will give people more free time to start businesses and pursue their passions 

2. Money won’t be a problem because either AI will make money for you or a universal basic income will be provided 

What these sheltered mongoloids don’t realize is that the average high school graduate in America has a 5th-grade reading level and spends 11 hour/day on their phone. These people are not going to start businesses or become the next Michelangelo if they have more free time. Almost all successful tech companies that have come out of Silicon Valley in the last 10 years are successful because they prey on human weakness and addiction. 

Let me paint you a picture of the average U.S. experience. If you’re 18-40, you haven’t had sex in the past year because you’re too busy gooning on OnlyFans. You make $65k/year at a job you hate. You can’t afford a home, so you rent. You’re investing 0% of your income, and you’re wasting the rest on DoorDash and Amazon because it’s convenient. The money you do set aside goes to DraftKings in the hopes of hitting it big. The 8 hours of free time you do have to better your life isn’t being spent on learning, going to the gym, or starting a business. It’s going to doomscrolling and jerking off. 

What I’m trying to get at here is that there are major underlying sociological problems in the world. People are lonely, addicted, and lazy. If you assume AI will give people even more free time, it’s nonsensical to think most people will use this time effectively. 

And now let’s address assumption #2 from above. The AI oligarchs love to tell you that money won’t matter because AI will provide abundance. Elon Musk has literally said “saving money” is pointless.

That’s easy for him to say because he has a trillion dollars. If he’s wrong, he’s still a trillionaire, but anyone who listens to him is homeless. 

And where is all this free money coming from, Elon? Are you suggesting that SpaceX will be paying my AI agent for work? Or are SpaceX and Anthropic writing me a check for $20k/month because if they don’t, there will be a French-style revolution where CEOs get their heads chopped off? 

Last I checked, companies exist for one purpose: to make the company money. They don’t exist to make Jack a millionaire. So unless Uncle Sam comes in and makes SpaceX pay me, I’m not convinced they're going to do it out of the goodness of their heart. 

And that’s where politics comes back into the picture. Over the last 2 years, Democrats have been pushing for tighter AI regulations. Politicians like Bernie Sanders have gone as far as to say we need to halt development entirely. As my long-winded rant alludes to, I do think we need to seriously think about the implications of AI, and the government has to be involved. 

That being said, stopping the advancement of AI is retarded. It’s like the Canadians not pumping their own oil to save the penguins, only to buy oil from Russians who build pipelines out of penguin bones. You can’t stop the fact that people are going to use AI, so the U.S. may as well be the best at it. 

At the same time, the current administration has largely been ignoring people’s existential fears of AI for the sake of advancement and national security. People are reasonably afraid. Over 200,000 people have been laid off in the tech sector this year, and although it may not entirely be because of AI, it’s reasonable to assume it’s a factor. 

Now I’ve essentially said that both political parties are delusional. So after that rant, you may be wondering, “Does Jack Kuveke of Jabroni Capital have the solution?” Obviously, and I’d be happy to share it with you once you pay $9,899 for the diamond platinum elite tier of my online course. 

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital, I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.

Memes

This guy’s reply has lived in my head rent-free all week.

I can’t believe it took this long to honey-pot Jensen

The Jensen memes are seriously out of control

Song of the Day

At some point every year, I get the itch. The itch to listen to the arguably garbage music that is nu metal/grunge rock. And nothing represents the genre quite like Staind. It’s somehow perfect for hitting a PR at the gym or for wallowing in your own self-pity. Given the title and the fact that I haven’t published in months, I figured this was the ideal song.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital