The 7 Layers of Hell

Good morning LPs,

Most of you don’t know this but when I started the newsletter I wrote one long story instead of 2-3 short ones. I don’t know what inspired me (maybe I had a bit too much special K in my coffee), but today I felt like going back to my roots. If you hate this longer format, let me know and I’ll weep quietly into a plush pillow.

Let’s get into it.

The Starbucks Problem

On Tuesday Brian Niccol, CEO of Starbucks, released a video outlining drastic changes the company was making in order to combat declining revenue and brand trust. 

When you went to a coffee shop 12 years ago the exchange was simple. You handed them $4.5, they gave you coffee, and then you milked their WIFI for 8 hours. 

Instead, here’s the average Starbucks experience in 2024. 

You walk up to Starbucks and instead of automatic doors there’s an angry homeless man holding the door open and requesting money. Without realizing it, you’ve entered the first layer of hell. 

Once you’re through the door you encounter the 2nd layer. A 23 person line ordering things you didn’t know existed. You came here for a black cold brew, but now you see a 450 pound lady in front of you order a double mocha Frappuccino with Doritos flavored whip cream, cinnamon sprinkles, and 12 pumps of Twinkies syrup. 

You finally get to the counter, aka the third layer, and the trans communist barista asks if you would like to support black lives matter. You don’t want black people to die, but you came here for fucking coffee. But good luck saying no, you’ll look like a white supremacist. So you give them $10 bucks and move to the side to wait for your cold brew. 

Unbeknownst to you, you’ve entered the 4th layer of hell. You notice a weird smell and you look to the left to see a homeless man literally masturbating in the corner. Since you’re in a liberal city the staff is unable to call the police to remove him. 

To get away from this nightmare you go to the bathroom, this is when layer 5 hits you straight in the face. The door is locked and beyond that threshold you hear a man violently moaning. You can’t tell if it’s sexual or if he’s breathing his last breath, so you go back to sit down. 

It’s been 8 minutes and somehow your black cold brew isn’t ready. So you go on the public WIFI to do a little shopping and without knowing it you entered and left the 6th layer of hell. All of your credit card information was stolen. 

Finally a name is called that sounds vaguely like yours. It’s not your name, but you’ve been through this rodeo before and you know it’s yours. You pick up the coffee and finally walk out the door. Just when you think this hellscape is over, you take a sip of your coffee. Uh oh, layer 7 has arrived. They fucked up your order. It tastes like dirt and your coffee has 800 calories worth of invisible sugar syrup in it. 

What used to be the only 20 minutes of peace you had before 8 hours of corporate hell is now the worst part of your day. 

And that my dear readers, is the problem the CEO of Starbucks is trying to solve.

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Memes

If you work in tech, you HAVE to watch this. Reminds me of my old CTO Kevin.

jabronicap

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Diddy trying really hard to sound smart when all he wants to do is lather Jay Z up in baby oil, is very funny.

mytechceo

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Never show your best employees any love.

Song of the Day

This was my most listened to song back in 2021. Joey Bada$$ wrote this when he was 17 & I used to walk down the streets of NYC thinking about how impressive that was.

The track is sampled & named after a legendary Styles of Beyond song from 1999. Go listen to them back to back & see if you think Joey does the original justice.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital