The Tech Layoffening

Welcome to the Jabroni’s who became LPs since the last issue. If you haven’t subscribed yet, I’ll impersonate you & DM your coworkers ‘you up?’ at 3am.

The Tech Layoffening

Good morning LPs,

After my 5am morning meditation I did what every normal venture capitalist does: I logged into The Information to read the news. What I saw troubled me, more tech layoffs.

Now I’ve never had a real job so I can’t relate to what it’s like to be fired. But I imagine it’s similar to when the the chick I met in Ibiza last summer told me she ‘wants to experiment with other girls’.

Either way this news seems bad for the entire industry. I had my unpaid intern Jeff work all weekend to better understand the reasons behind these mass layoffs & our findings were shocking.

According to our reports, if a company engages in any of the following activities the likelihood of a mass firing is nearly 100%:

• Raising billions of dollars & then quadrupling your employee count in 6-12 months

• Hiring entire teams of people to manage your companies ‘culture’ or ‘vibes’

• Telling your employees your company is focused on growth & not revenue

• Raising money from Tiger Global or Coatue

• Running a company at a multi-million dollar loss

I know this is surprising to all of us. After all, we didn’t get into the tech industry to invest in companies that make money. We got into this to invest in the most trendy industries & in the founders with the best twitter followings.

We will continue to monitor these layoffs closely, thankfully our team remains unaffected because 98% of the Jabroni Capital team is unpaid.

Join My Fundraising Bootcamp

Shameless plug time before more fun.

From March 6th to 18th I’m running a fundraising bootcamp to help pre-seed/seed startup founders raise money. I’ve run dozens of bootcamps & helped early stage founders raise $70M+ in the last two years.

Pitch Deck Roast

Today we’ll be roasting SHAI’s pitch deck. Buckle up buckaroos.

(Anyone who consents to being roasted will be sent genuine constructive feedback privately & fundraising resources that my clients pay for)

I think I could start a company called Ponzi.AI and raise millions.

I think if you say the word problem twice on the same slide, the double negative makes a positive. So maybe there isn’t a problem? Also it’s not even 8am right now & I’d demolish I Gordon Ramsey ham & cheese sando.

OOOOOO more hot European men with black & white photos?! I’m sold.

Is 100k views on Youtube good if you’re the resident content expert? My idiot cousin gets millions of views reviewing stale cereal on youtube - does that mean he’s more qualified than you??

Does anyone else remember how from like 2006-2012 every middle schooler started an essay with a definition. ‘Meriam Webster defines courage as…’

This is like that, but for a pitch deck. Which is bad…

My ex girlfriend told me I was too complex & needed training too!

AHHHHHH - thank god my dad is rich, because if I had to use software like this I’d probably end up on the FBI’s most wanted list.

This sentence is what I like to call a grammatical clusterfuck, but I’ll cut the hot European men some slack.

I didn’t read shit on this slide because I couldn’t stop thinking about why they went from a circle diagram to an oval. What did that accomplish??

NOW WE’RE BACK TO CIRCLES???? I was just getting used to the oval!

On a serious note, you outlined 3 different markets back to back which is confusing as fuck. Pick one market size, and stick with that.

I don’t know if getting shitty super hero movies 20x faster is a good thing.

This is the best slide in the deck. Not because of the photo of T-Swift, but because it’s simple, effective, & doesn’t use many words.

AI THIS. AI THAT. Maybe if you use the word AI 10 or 15 times more on this slide, robots from the future will appear & just give you guys $20 million worth of BTC.

The next 3 slides are all the same format & virtually every sentence starts with AI so I’ll save you brain cells & leave them out.

Just a heads up, you don’t need 4 or 5 slides explaining how your product works in a deck. Just 1 is fine. Investors will forget wtf you do anyway & skip to how much money you’re making.

It took me way too long to realize that these quotes were hypothetical questions you might ask the AI in the future.

What the fuck is up with the trend of people telling you how many customers they have, but then not saying how much money they’re making. This just makes me suspicious.

An up and to the right arrow with the word AI on the slide??? I’M BACK IN. How does $6.9M at a $420M valuation sound?

Note to the team: I actually don’t think it will take a ton of effort to significantly improve this deck. You clearly already have a solid product & customers willing to pay you which puts you ahead of like 99% of companies. I’m sure some day I’ll be at the movie theatres & realize that SHAI was used in the production of the 30th Avengers movie.

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That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital