Silicon Valley Has Lost Its Way

Good afternoon LPs,

Today’s newsletter is focused on Palantir. I was inspired after seeing a clip of their CEO go viral stating that he wants to spray fentanyl laced urine at analysts who say Palantir is failing. Coincidentally whenever a former employee leaves a bad glass door review for Jabroni Capital, I spray feral racoon urine on their lawn. If they think dealing with me is bad, just wait until they have to deal with a 6 month racoon infestation.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

Real news, fake headlines

Apple announced a $500B investment in the U.S. economy contingent on the U.S. removing child labor laws, stating “we need tiny hands to build iPhones”. (Axios)

Software engineering jobs have hit a 5 year low, Head of AI at Google states, “what did you think was going to happen?” (Techspot)

U.S. Attorney General is reviewing Epstein’s client list, coincidentally Bill Gates has moved to Poland to live with famous director Roman Polanski (The Hill)

Alex Karp Thinks Silicon Valley is Failing

Palantir CEO, Alex Karp, has been making headlines recently claiming that Silicon Valley has lost its way. His central argument is that tech companies have been too focused on online shopping and advertisements instead of working closely with the U.S. government to build stuff that really matters (AKA advanced weapon systems). 

Jabroni Capital sat down with Karp for an exclusive interview to get his unfiltered thoughts on the future of the tech industry. 

Jabroni Capital: You’ve claimed that Silicon Valley doesn’t focus enough on real technology, what should be the focus instead? 

Karp: Two words bucko. Space lasers. Are Americans struggling to afford eggs? I don’t know, I haven’t bought groceries in 25 years. Eggs could be $44 and I would think that was cheap. But none of that matters in the face of an enemy.

Jabroni Capital: Wait, did you answer the question? I wanted to know what technology we should focus on?

Karp: Geez a wish had a space laser to shoot you dumb, dumb. I’m talking about weapons buster brown. Lasers, guns, artillery, AI drones that make crops infertile. That’s the only thing that’s stopping China from turning your dog into a fucking Bao Bun. 

Jabroni Capital: I don’t have a dog. 

Karp: The dog is a metaphor you mongoloid. My point is we don’t need to build an Airbnb just for pet birds. That’s useless mumbo jumbo. If we invest in the best weapons technology on the planet, that investment will trickle down into every day people’s lives. I of course mean that regular people will get access to advanced weapons. Who needs a ring camera to call the police when you have a fully gimbaled 50. Cal space laser ready to zip a guys a dick off for throwing compost in your trash can. Anyway, I got to get out of here and yell at some of my lowest level employees. 

As you can see I don’t get very far in this interview. Were my feelings hurt? Maybe. But boy is that guy passionate about weapons. That’s what I like to see in a leader. Which is why Jabroni Capital is investing $480M into Palantir to help them build space lasers (or something). I might not know why, but what I do know is that we need them and we need them now. 

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Memes

corporate.sween

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Startup CEOs have been posting videos of themselves showing how busy their schedules are. Sween mocks them perfectly.

jabronicap

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Did someone say AI???

Elon is destroying his credibility faster than OJ Simpson.

Song of the Day

I have a confession. For the last week when I ride the NYC subway I stare longingly out the window listening to this Guns N’ Roses classic. Am I cringe? Definitely. But does this guitar solo make up for that? Yes.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital