Sacrificial Lamb

Good afternoon LPs,

cough cough, I am unwell. As I’m sure you noticed, the newsletter was delayed this week. On Sunday I was caught in a flood of Biblical proportions after traveling back from a weekend at a lake house.

The rain left me drenched head to toe on a train moving slower than the career rise of an openly gay Republican juggler. Eventually I was forced to disembark in bumble-fuck Connecticut and hitch a ride to my sworn enemy: a New Jersey shopping mall.

A pack of New Jersian elves took me in for the night (seriously). After a 30 hour harrowing journey, I made it back to NYC only to immediately come down with the flu.

Needless to say, this was almost worse than the time my Father told me to find my own ride home after I couldn’t stay hard for the hooker he hired for my 13th birthday. Almost.

Anyway, here’s what we cover in today’s newsletter:

• Billionaire’s Dies in Yacht Accident

• Bolt Attempts to Raise $450M at a $14B Valuation

Let’s get into it.

Billionaire’s Dies in Yacht Accident

Earlier this week UK tech billionaire Mike Lynch tragically died after his $18M yacht sank off the coast of Sicily.

What’s perhaps more tragic than his death, is the fact his “superyacht” was worth less than $20M - yikes.

Upon news of his death his children quickly released a media statement that read “that was just our side-piece yacht, we have a much MUCH bigger yacht back home.”

Mr. Lynch was considered the ‘Bill Gates’ of the UK, which I imagine means his favorite hobby was brewing a cup of tea whilst hanging out on a notorious pedophile island.

Mike was a sacrificial lamb. Nothing brings people together like the death of a tech mogul.

In order to maintain peace on the rolling ocean waves, we must sacrifice someone important to the sea god Poseidon.

Last year we donated $2.86B worth of billionaires via the Titan submarine implosion, which means Poseidon may not be satisfied with just Mike's death.

To my fellow yacht-bearing billionaires - stick to private jets till Q4.

Bolt Attempts to Raise $450M at a $14B Valuation

Yesterday Tech Crunch published that Ryan Breslow is attempting to raise $450M at a $14B valuation for his ecommerce startup Bolt.

The proposed termsheet is fucking bananas. It says that if Breslow’s other startup Love brings Bolt 1M merchants they would invest in Love at a ONE TRILLION dollar valuation.

While many investors have been quick to call Breslow a ‘scam artist’ - I’m coming to his defense. Breslow dropped out of Stanford at 19 and is the kind of eccentric silicon valley founder VCs know and love.

Here are a few other highlights from the term sheet our hero proposed:

• Wants to pay himself a $2M bonus for returning + $1M back-pay.

• Valuing the company at 500x revenue.

• Forces former investors to either BUY MORE shares or sell their existing holdings for 1 cent a share.

This is fate. When one billionaire dies tragically at sea on a “superyacht”, another billionaire is born at a 500x revenue multiple.

Ryan Breslow is my spirit animal.

Memes

corporatenatalie

View more on Instagram

If I ever had a real job I’m sure I would be the most hated person in the office.

Most people reading this probably couldn’t answer better than this.

The best way to win me over is to start playing ‘Arms Wide Open’ at 3am.

Song of the Day

Here’s the song of the day. I’ll be listening to this every day until the end of August so I can maximize on

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital