Request for Startups

Good afternoon LPs,

I am stepping down as the CEO of Jabroni Capital.

Given the death of the CEO of UnitedHealthcare last week, I know longer feel safe leading this company. Now more than ever executives need to show courage, which is why to protest the violence against CEO’s I’m moving to an unnamed island in the Mediterranean.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

YC Announces Their Request For Startups

Every year the startup accelerator YCombinator releases a list of issues they’d like to see new companies address. The problem is that YC has become a playground for rich elites and corporate interests that don’t understand the problems that plague America. 

But Jabroni Capital does. We’ve been funding heroin dens, addicting poisonous foods, and scam cryptocurrencies for years so we understand what companies America needs. 

This inspired us to create our own list of startups that Jabroni Capital would like to fund in 2025. 

Jabroni Capital’s Request for Startups 

Government & Public Safety 

1. LLMs that help the CIA overthrow the leaders of other countries

2. Create computer vision that detects crimes, but only for poor people with net worth’s below $25M

3. Build tools that cover up government official sex scandals before they even happen 

4. Yelp, but for police brutality. “Officer Gomez hit me with a night stick” - 1 out of 5 stars

Cryptocurrency & Stablecoins 

1. Build authentication software that evaluates the IQ of users before they throw their life savings into Hawk Coin or Fartcoin

2. Create systems that allow foreign powers to more efficiently and anonymously bribe American politicians 

3. Develop infrastructure to back the dollar with Dogecoin instead of Gold 

New Jobs

1. Accounting software but only for people who sell pictures of their asshole on the internet 

2. Develop tools that allow small businesses to get away with assassinating their employees like large corporations 

3. Create systems that allow children to make money on the internet, bypassing pesky and outdated child labor laws

Hard & Fast News

Real news, fake headlines

Startup launches LinkedIn for LGBTQ community even though users don’t believe in “capitalism” or “work”. (Techcrunch)

The president of Syria has fled the country, in response the head of the CIA stated, “we totally had nothing to do with this” (AP)

JayZ has been accused of assaulting a 13 year old at a Diddy party & defended himself saying, “this is a baseless claim, only one of my closest friends is a pedophile”. (CNN)

Memes

jabronicap

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I’ll do whatever it takes to get Vishnu to join my company.

This is still one of my favorite videos on the internet.

jabronicap

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Kim would make a great startup founder.

Song of the Day

It’s 4pm on a Saturday in NYC and you’ve been drinking for hours. Somehow you have to be a functional human being until midnight. You’re not sure how that’s going to happen considering you’ve only got 18 active brain cells left. But as you walk down the stairs to the NYC subway, Panama by Van Halen comes onto your headphones. Suddenly you’re filled with blind confidence. You CAN drink 12 more tequila sodas. You WON’T disappoint your friends and pass out in an upper west side bar bathroom. Right when you’ve almost all hope, this song is there to pick you back up.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital