Project Oracle

Good morning LPs,

This is a tough day to open up a newsletter. Not only is it the anniversary of 9/11, but if any of you were on social media yesterday, you probably saw the assassination of Charlie Kirk. I often discuss controversial topics in the newsletter, but my goal is to present different points of view and combat different points of view through satire. In case you can’t tell, I go out of my way not to pick a specific side because I don’t believe there are sides in life. We’re all on a spinning rock that could be destroyed by an asteroid and or set back 10 years by a solar flare, and that is what I feel binds humanity. Not a political party. Not an ideology. Not a religion.

When I write the newsletter, I often start with a more biased opinion. But as I write, I think about my audience and realize that all of you have different opinions and views of the world. You challenge me to find the middle ground and something we can all laugh about. I’m not always perfect, and I know I’ll always upset someone. But when you comment, and tell me I’m a fascist, a retard, a sexist, or a homophobe (and somehow also gay), I want you to know I appreciate you. Because these comments help me reflect on what I’ve written, and even if I still disagree with you, I try to understand your position so I can write better content.

I don’t exactly have a moral high ground to tell you how to behave. But I encourage you to try to find the middle ground with everyone else you’re sharing this spinning rock with. People aren’t evil just because they disagree with me. The world’s problems are not any one group of people’s fault - they’re all of our collective fuckups. And we can choose to blame each other, or try to fix them together.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

300 South Koreans detained at the Hyundai plant to be released. Head ICE official comments, “We’re truly sorry for the mix-up; it’s a good thing we cleared this up before we boarded them on the plane to North Korea.” (The Guardian)

Anthropic settles class action lawsuit from authors for $1.5 billion. Each author will reportedly receive $40,000, which is 10x the yearly salary for writers. (Reuters)

SpaceX acquires Spectrum from EchoStar for $17 billion. “When I was young, my doctor mentioned something about me being on the Spectrum, so this purchase was a no-brainer,” said Elon Musk. (CNBC)

DataBricks raises at $100 billion valuation. 50% of employees are still reportedly unsure of what the company does. “It’s kind of like Palantir, where nobody knows what’s happening, but people are making a lot of money,” said a Wall Street analyst. (TechCrunch)

Oracle Stock Jumps 40% in a Day

On Wednesday, tech Giant Oracle's stock rocketed up 40% after announcing a surge in earnings. As of today, Oracle’s founder and CEO, Larry Elisson, is the richest man in the world after his net worth jumped a staggering $107B to nearly $400B. 

If you’re anything like me, you didn’t have a fucking clue what Oracle did up until today. So I did a bit of research, and my findings were shocking. 

Oracle’s story starts in 1977 when the CIA started an initiative called “Project Oracle,” which was led by none other than Larry Ellison. Coming up with a company name blows, and this lucky bastard just stole his from the CIA. 

Funny enough, Jabroni Capital’s first client was also the CIA. Unfortunately, by 2020, when we were founded, they had a strict policy that you couldn’t steal their cool names. If I had been able to, my company would undoubtedly be called “Operation Thundercock”. I can’t disclose what work we were doing since it’s still classified, but let’s just say it involved thousands of gallons of baby oil. 

Back to Oracle. 

After winning a contract with the CIA to build a database for them, the newly named Oracle continued this work to become one of the world's leading Database providers. In the 1980s, they began building enterprise software - so in part, we have them to blame for the meteoric rise of B2B SaaS companies. Thanks a fucking lot, Larry.

Over the next few decades, Oracle became a powerhouse. Still, by the 1990s, no one knew what they did. According to my research, by the late 90s, they were doing lots of stuff and many other things. Their stock price boomed during the dotcom bubble, presumably because they claimed to be doing many more things now, too. 

This is where Oracle got into trouble. Apparently, Larry was lying about all the things and stuff Oracle was doing. In 2001, he claimed that the company saved $1B using its own software, when in reality the savings came from mass layoffs. Awesome. 

His shareholders found this out just weeks after Larry sold nearly $1B of stock, causing the stock price to plummet, which led to a class action lawsuit claiming Larry engaged in insider trading. 

This wasn’t the end of legal troubles for Larry and his tech conglomerate. I could write pages about this, but instead, let me bullet some of my favorites:

• Trashgate: Oracle hired private investigators to dig through the trash of companies involved in an antitrust suit with Microsoft. 

• In 2002, they were immediately hacked after claiming their software was “unbreakable”. 

• They paid bribes to African government officials. 

• The former U.S. Attorney General Josh Ashcroft sued Oracle to prevent it from acquiring PeopleSoft, only for Oracle to hire him immediately after he retired and successfully acquired PeopleSoft. 

• They fired their employee, Svetlana Blackburn, after she refused to fraudulently increase cloud revenues. 

Anyway, as you can see, Oracle has done a lot of awesome shit. 

What’s most interesting about these scandals is Oracle’s repeated misrepresentation of cloud revenue. Coincidentally, their stock price boomed today after the company claimed its cloud revenue is expected to surge 77% to $18B in 2026. 

So maybe Oracle really is doing as well as they say. Or perhaps Larry needs his net worth to cross $500B before he’s allowed to purchase a struggling African nation.

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital, I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter. Shout out to Alin for referring the most subs recently!

Memes

thepintnewsletter

44K followers

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I feel attacked.

corporate.sween

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Finally someone said it.

jabronicap

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This is accurate.

Song of the Day

Ok, obviously, the opening of today’s newsletter was a bummer. So I didn’t want to pick a super happy song, but also wanted something that makes me feel a bit hopeful. This track from Dark Days does a good job of that. The lyrics speak to being scared and struggling with the meaning of life, but ultimately continuing on with the journey of existence. Shit is always gonna hit the fan, but you just have to keep on going.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital