Pearl Harbor 2.0

Good afternoon LPs,

Sorry for getting the newsletter out a day late. My flight was delayed traveling back from my weekend bender at Lollapalooza, and now I’m in a heated legal battle with United Airlines. This is why I normally fly private. Here’s what we cover today:

• Stock Market Collapse?

• Lex Fridman’s 8.5 Hour Podcast

• Warren Buffett Sells 50% of His Apple Shares

Shout out to the Wannabe Angels podcast for interviewing me. We chatted about building Jabroni Capital, raising a $53M ICO, and my plans for world domination. Go listen to the episode here and check out their podcast here.

Stock Market Collapse?

On Monday Japan’s stock market experienced its worst crash in 40 years leading to a bloodbath in the global markets.

Yesterday was so bad that Jabroni Capital analysts are calling August 5th of 2024 Pearl Harbor 2.0.

The only people unaffected by this crash were poor people because unlike me and my dad they don’t own 800,000 shares of Nvidia.

To hedge our bets Jabroni Capital purchased $200M worth of the three safest assets we can think of: Anheuser-Busch, Menthol Cigarettes, and signed Taylor Swift T-shirts.

When you’re depressed you drink. When you’re stressed you smoke. When you’re broke you buy Taylor Swift tickets.

Lex Fridman’s 8.5 Hour Podcast

Over the weekend notorious tech podcaster Lex Fridman published an 8.5 hour episode starring Elon Musk and the Neuralink team. 

The podcast covered topics ranging from Ayahuasca, to aliens, to God, which to the average person seems like a rare and epic discussion, but this is just what happens when you lock 2 autists in a room together for half a day. 

Here are a couple things you could do in the time it would take you to finish the episode:

• Go to Vegas and blow $400M on craps 

• Give birth to quadruplets 

• Chain smoke 4.5 cigarette packs 

• Charter a private jet to the French Riviera 

I forced our unpaid intern Jeff to watch it and take notes, but even after drugging him with 40 MG of Adderall, 2 tins of Zyn, and 8 Red Bulls he fell asleep after 4 hours of listening to Lex’s robot voice. 

Warren Buffett Sells 50% of His Apple Shares

Right before the stock market crash legendary investor Warren Buffett sold 50% of his Apple stake worth $50B+ and bought $277B worth of Treasury Bills. 

According to our reports right before he sold, Buffett took Tim Cook and Nancy Pelosi to dinner at Olive Garden. When asked what they talked about, Buffett said, “we DID NOT discuss the impending financial collapse, we just love endless breadsticks”. 

Hoards of mid-wit financial analysts in Men’s Warehouse suits rushed onto Twitter to tell us Buffett's trades are nothing to be worried about. 

But personally I trust the wisdom of the ancient gargoyle man who whose so fucking old that he could drive when the atom bomb was dropped on Hiroshima.

Memes

Lockheed Martin was the real winner this week.

I hope when I’m 93 I’m still trying to watch the world burn.

corporate.sween

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I was at this lunch but sadly in the bathroom when they recorded this.

Song of the Day

Here’s the song of the day. I belted this 2000s classic on day 3 of my bender at lollapalooza.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital