Paper Hands

Good morning LPs,

Happy Fourth of July. I’m spending the holiday in Connecticut at the original Pepperidge Farm estate (not kidding). I’ll celebrate America’s supremacy by eating a Milano cookie & drinking a stiff cocktail. Anyway, let me break down what’s happening in tech today:

• VCs Brag About Working Hard

• Steve Balmer Richer Than Bill Gates

• Nancy Pelosi is Back!

Let’s get into it.

VCs Brag About Working Hard

On Tuesday Eric Bahn, GP of HustleFund went viral for stating that more VCs are out of office this summer. Like clockwork, a gaggle of emerging fund managers scurried out of their dank studio apartments claiming that they were still deploying capital. 

The only VCs that work over the summer are broke ass bitches who can’t afford to take 2 months off. Your job is to reject founders who are woefully more qualified than you, and pretend like you’re an expert on 32 industries even though you’ve never done anything.

The reason we became investors was to fuck off & do as little as possible. Nothing is more embarrassing than becoming a VC and bragging about actually working.

 A mentally challenged Chimpanzee could do our job. I mean for fuck sake, most of these try-hard dorks would have better returns if they put a blindfold on and chose investments by throwing a dart at a board. 

Ok that’s the end of my rant. Time to put on my swimsuit and take a dip in the French Riviera.

Steve Balmer Richer Than Bill Gates

According to Fortune Mag, former Microsoft CEO Steve Balmer is now richer than Bill Gates for the first time ever. For those that don’t know, Steve was employee #30 at Microsoft and was acting CEO from 2000-2014. 

You’re probably wondering, how is Bill Gates' former assistant richer than him? Because Gates is a paper handed bitch. 

Right now, Balmer owns 4% of stock while Gates only has 1.38%. If someday my unpaid intern Jeff owns more of Jabroni Capital than me, I’m flinging myself off the roof of a WeWork.

Pelosi is Back!

Nancy Pelosi has put her visor back on and purchased $5M worth of Broadcom & $1.2M Nvidia stock. 

Pelosi is famous for making stock market trades that many assume are based on insider information. In fact, she’s so famous for her uncanny ability to ‘time the market’ that people have created funds that follow her investment strategy to a tea.

Meanwhile Roaring Kitty who famously made hundreds of millions off of GameStop is getting sued for allegedly leading a pump & dump.

Mr. Kitty made a critical mistake. If you want to get away with making millions manipulating the stock market, you gotta go into politics.

Memes

TBH this is what I look like when I listen to ANY pitch.

corporate.bro

586K followers

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This is why I every time I praise an employee, I follow up with 30 minutes of negging.

WE’RE GONNA BE RICH!!

Song of the Day

I think it should be federally mandated that on the 4th July every American is required to listen to Free Bird.

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That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital