Nvidia is #1

Good morning LPs,

I’ve once again been banned on LinkedIn for shitposting too hard, but I won’t let the man hold me down. Here’s what we cover today:

• Nvidia is Now The Most Valuable Company

• Founder Broadcasts Employee Firing on Linkedin

• Adobe Gets Sued by the FTC

Let’s get into it.

🌊VC Frothiness Level🌊

Every week founders ask me if it’s a good time to raise money, which is why we developed The VC Frothiness Level. It’s 90 degrees in NYC which means VCs are scurrying to their homes in the Hamptons like rats scurrying into the sewer. If you’re raising money it’s time to kick shit into 3rd gear.

Nvidia is Now The Most Valuable Company

Chip manufacturer Nvidia is now the most valuable company in the world with a market cap of $3.3 trillion. 

With 3 U.S. companies now individually worth more than all of the UKs stocks combined - we can rebrand the English language to Americanish. 

To all my fans from the island with the fucked up accent, America won. 

I was looking for another reason to make fun of the Brits, but after learning that their 11th largest export is ‘Human & Animal Blood’ I just feel bad (swear to god this is actually true).

Founder Broadcasts Employee Firing on LinkedIn

Let me tell you right now, this is NOT the proper way to fire an employee. Let me break down our refined firing process at Jabroni Capital

Step 1: Install cameras in the room & livestream the exit interview on TikTok/Instagram. If you don’t make the ex-employee cry, you won’t maximize your view potential. 

Step 2: Text the employees wife something ominous a week before such as, ‘it’s almost time 👿’. 

Step 3: Book a 2-hour meeting on the employees calendar and invite the whole company to watch. 

Step 4: Reverse severance. Invoice the employee one month's pay for every year they worked at the company. 

Step 5: Send the video of him crying during his firing to his next employer. 

Step 6: Blame every company failure on him. Didn’t hit your last quarterly revenue goal? That’s his fault. 

This approach makes my team work 10x harder because they know if they fuck up, this will be the last job they ever work. 

Adobe Gets Sued by the FTC

The Federal Trade Commision (FTC)  has sued Adobe for ‘trapping customers’ into subscriptions by making them impossible to cancel. 

When I learned they were getting sued, I was more turned on than when my high school goth girlfriend whispered in my ear that she’d give me my first OTPHJ (Over The Pants Hand Job, for all you virgins out there). 

I’ve rarely had a job (other than an OTPHJ), but when I worked for my father's hedge fund investing in Brazilian lumber companies I was tasked with canceling our Adobe subscription. 

I spent the next 3 hours engaged in battle with the Bangladeshi demons that ran Adobe's customer support line. I was so enraged I almost bought a pair of capris and became a socialist.

Memes

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We see you Mr.‘investor’.

I’m prepared to invest $6M at a $589M pre-money valuation.

Song of the Day

Here’s the song of the day. This is what I listen to when I wake up from a bender that may have legitimately melted part of my brain.

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That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital