Knock knock, it's your lead investor & we want our money back

Welcome to the Jabroni’s who became LPs since the last issue. If you haven’t subscribed yet, I’ll pay Keith Rabois to bully you on Twitter.

Knock knock, it's your lead investor & we want our money back

Good morning LPs,

I hope you all enjoyed the holiday break. For those of you not in the U.S. - America just celebrated its most important holiday, Thanksgiving. For VCs like me there’s a lot to be thankful for this year, especially the fact that we’re not founders.

The last year has been one of the most challenging fundraising environments the tech world has seen. According to my unpaid intern Jeff’s research, VC investment is down 45.6% in 2023.

While this is certainly challenging for founders, Jabroni Capital is thriving in this environment. Our policy of taking as many meetings with founders as possible and making next to zero investments has kept us safe in these trying times.

But that’s not all we’re doing to protect our LPs money. Some of you may have seen Isa Watson’s tweet about a VC attempting to claw their money back from a seed stage company. This investor was in fact Jabroni Capital.

This portfolio company of ours was only making $3M/year despite being a 2.5 year old company. That isn’t even enough money to pay for a single Bugatti Chiron. This level of mediocrity is not acceptable and it was my fiduciary responsibility to take action. On page 48 of every Jabroni Capital termsheet we clearly state in 8pt font that we have the right to claw back our investment whenever we see fit.

So far in 2023 we’ve clawed back over $22M from companies we funded in 2021/22. Before year end we expect this number to grow to over $40M.

But we won’t stop there. In 2024 we have set the ambitious goal to claw back over $100M in seed investments - this will make us one of the most profitable VCs in the world.

Join My Fundraising Bootcamp

Shameless plug time before more fun.

Aside from making VCs cry on LinkedIn, my day job is helping early stage startup founders raise money.

This winter I’m running a 2-week fundraising bootcamp to help pre-seed/seed startup founders raise money. I’ve run dozens of bootcamps & helped early stage founders raise $60M+ in the last two years.

Insane Tech Headlines

Today we’re introducing a newsletter segment where we roast insane tech headlines. I honestly don’t know how people take this industry so seriously when Techcrunch and CNBC put out shit like this.

Does a fractional AI officer tell you which of your employees you can fire and replace with chatGPT? If so, I’m VERY interested. Last week my team fucked up my mocha frappuccino order and I’ve been meaning to replace them.

But seriously, it feels like every couple years some tech nerd comes up with a new fake job. It used to be Chief of Staff - now it’s a fractional AI officer. Take these jobs at your own risk, because the second funding runs dry you’re the first to go.

The last time I made the mistake of buying fractional property I got stuck owning 2 weeks in an Aspen timeshare… in August.

The more I think about it, if the choice is between Blackrock owning all of the property in the America or a 24 year old tech dork trying to sell me 1/100th of a building, I’ll stick with our corporate overlords.

Rebecca - who the fuck said this? Was it Keith Rabois? I bet it was Keith. Rebecca we talked about this after he shilled Miami - ignore whatever that ass clown has to say.

No but seriously, I’m convinced anyone can be a Techcrunch writer. What the fuck makes New Zealand a perfect place to build startups??

Is it the fact that it has a 18 hour time difference with NYC making it wildly inconvenient to do business.

Or maybe it’s the tiny population making it next to impossible to find great employees.

Oh no, I bet it’s the sheep.

It says a lot about the state of our industry when the most successful tech startup is named after the dumbest emoji.

But after a second thought, this inspired me. I’m naming my next company after the 2 most used emojis in Jabroni Capital’s slack channel.

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the next great tech startup: 🍆 💦 

Become a Scout for Jabroni Capital

We’re looking for people to join our new scouting program. Unlike other VCs who are looking for deal flow, we want our scouts to send us the craziest posts from VCs & founders they can find.

If you’d like to become a Jabroni Capital scout, add Scout at Jabroni Capital to your LinkedIn and then send me startup content you want me to roast at [email protected]

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital