Jabroni's Go On Strike

I'm not writing any more checks until I get a f*cking raise

Welcome to the 210 Jabroni’s who became LPs since the last issue. If you haven’t subscribed yet, I’ll blackmail your parents with AI generated photos.

I’m Going on Strike

Good morning LPs,

It’s strike season, and it has been for almost a year now. Whether it’s Amazon employees, hollywood writers, or sanitation workers. The poor losers of this world have been refusing to work their cushy 13 hour days for their $22/hr paychecks.

Now the premise behind all these strikes is that if the employees at the bottom of the totem pole go on strike, the companies will grind to a halt. This inspired to prove a point: if the global elite go on strike, the world will cease to function.

Starting today me and my CEO friends at the fortune 1000 are going on strike. You’ll still be able to do useless things like going to the grocery store, or getting your car fixed at the mechanic. You know, things your help would do. But the IMPORTANT everyday activities you rely on the rich elite for, will evaporate.

If our demands are not met, we will stop the following activities & the everyday men/women of society will suffer. Activities include:

  • Oil futures trading

  • Setting up corporate tax shelters in Ireland

  • Flying on our gulfstream 650 private jets

  • All hands on meetings where we fire 10% of our employees over zoom

  • Hosting art charity auctions

  • Dining at 3 star Michelin restaurants

Many of you may think this is simply an empty threat - but just look at the stunt my hero Elon Musk pulled last week.

Musk made groundbreaking news by stating that he is unwilling to grow Tesla into an AI & robotics powerhouse without an additional 4% equity in the company. This unprecedented move would essentially give Musk an $80 BILLION dollar raise.

Elon and I have a lot in common. We’re both tall, rich, and alpha shitposters who masquerade as titans of the tech industry. If he’s getting a raise - I WANT ONE TOO.

I’m uncomfortable growing Jabroni Capital into the most dominate & evil venture capital mega corp without more skin in the game. Frankly, the $3M I make annually off of management fees is not enough sustain my shitposting dominance.

Here is a list of my demands:

  1. $6.9M in annual management fees

  2. An additional 8 weeks of paid vacation time

  3. 42% carried interest on investments

  4. A diamond studded ping & pong table in our headquarters

If these conditions are not met, I will accept a job offer at the Saudi Wealth Fund where I will lead their defense tech & defi investments.

Join My Fundraising Bootcamp

The winter holiday season is over & if you’re a startup founder you know what that means: it’s almost fundraising season once again.

Fundraising sucks balls & is a lonely process where founders who’ve done it successfully keep their trade secrets close to the chest.

That’s why this February I’m running a 2-week fundraising bootcamp to help pre-seed/seed startup founders raise money. I’ve run dozens of bootcamps & helped early stage founders raise $70M+ in the last two years.

I will help make the process less painful & show you in detail how founders competitively raise money.

Memes

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I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital

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