Jabroni Capital Is Getting Into Big Pharma

We've come up with a genius use case for the hottest drug in America

Welcome to the 125 Jabroni’s who became LPs since the last issue. If you haven’t subscribed yet, I’ll mix oil into your shampoo.

Ozempic But For Tech Bros

Good morning LPs,

It’s finally come time for us to talk about the new hottest drug in America: Ozempic. For those that don’t know Ozempic is a diabetes medication you inject in every week to increase insulin production, but most notably helps you fight the urge to gorge yourself on McFlurries and Domino’s.

Yes you heard that correctly. This shit literally makes people feel full so they don’t eat. Now although it’s formal use case is for diabetes, many people without the condition are taking it to combat weight loss. What this proves is that American’s are willing to take any drug other than personal responsibility to solve their problems.

Apparently Ozempic is also great at impulse control and some people are even suggesting it could be used to fight other addictions.

This got me thinking. Every week, 99% of tech bros and VCs embarrass themselves by posting dumb shit on twitter. This sort of low impulse control is rampant, examples include:

  • VCs tweeting about how hard they’re working on the weekend

  • 24 year old SDRs sharing poorly thought out political opinions

  • Founders drawing comparisons between picking up their dogs shit & building a startup on LinkedIn

  • Jabroni Capital bragging about all the founders we’ve rejected the past week

The list could go on and on. That’s why Jabroni Capital is partnering with Ozempic to create a version of the drug that stops tech people’s impulse to post asinine things on the internet. We anticipate that the market cap of Ozempic’s holding company will quadruple with this new distribution strategy.

with a tech bro focus this chart will boom harder than Nvidia

For once our firm has the opportunity to do some good in this world and make our investors proud. Thank you for taking part of this journey. All of our subscribers will be sent care packages with 4 free weekly injections.

Come to a Jabroni Capital Event

Most tech events suck - you know exactly the ones I’m talking about. They’re full of try hard finance bros & web3 scams. So I’m hosting my own curated and private tech events - the requirement being you have to be someone I’d want to get drunk with.

First event is April 23rd in NYC - it will be 60% my founder/investor friends (and anyone else who’s just cool as fuck). The other 40% will be people who I’ve met through my content! If you’d like to come to this event or any of the future events, sign up for the waitlist below.

Memes

PSA: Go outside

Today we’re going rogue and ending the newsletter on a different note. Spring weather is here and I spent the last 8 hours in the sun. Many of you tech nerds probably forget what the sensation of sunlight feels like. So this is a reminder to go outside and enjoy yourself.

POV: you’re a shitposter who’s given up on any hope of being professional.

consider yourself lucky - my only fans subscribers had to pay me $420 for this nip slip

Few things feel better than smoking the devils lettuce & drinking coffee in the sun. Life is good, I hope you’re enjoying it too.

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital

P.S. If you liked the newsletter, could you pretty please forward this email to a friend :) subscribe here

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