Jabroni Capital Buys The Dallas Mavericks

Welcome to the 102 Jabroni’s who became LPs since the last issue. If you haven’t subscribed yet, I’ll forget to pick you up from basketball practice.

Jabroni Capital Buys The Dallas Mavericks

Good morning LPs,

As you could probably guess I don’t watch sports, so I didn’t know what game The Mavericks played. But I DO watch Shark Tank and pay close attention to anything Mark Cuban does.

So when I heard he was selling his sports team, I knew this was an opportunity to execute a business plan I’ve been dreaming of for years. Pending our final sale, Jabroni Capital will be announcing the transition of The Dallas Mavericks from a basketball team to a venture capital fund.

Every player will have the opportunity to become a partner in the fund. Their current compensation will determine the amount of capital they manage - if they are paid $50M they will manage an equivalent portion of the fund.

This is huge news for a number of reasons. The VC industry is disproportionally Caucasian. With our acquisition, Jabroni Capital will now be 88% African American - making us perhaps the most diverse fund in the world. On top of that, the average height of the Jabroni Capital team will be 6 foot 7 - making us the tallest firm in the world. This will give us a commanding lead over our peers.

Some of you may be concerned that these athletes are not capable of being VCs. However, our players have all of the qualities we look for in ideal candidates: tall, hot, and rich. In fact, our players are way richer than the average venture capitalist.

Once the players are settled into the their roles as partners, we will announce the launch of the VCA - the professional venture capital association. Much like the NBA - the VCA will allow firms to draft and trade players. In our first move, we will be trading Kyrie Irving for Keith Rabois from founders fund.

With this acquisition we will give the VC industry mainstream media attention it rightfully deserves and make investors like Keith Rabois household names.

Join My Fundraising Bootcamp

Shameless plug time before more fun.

Aside from making VCs cry on LinkedIn, my full time gig is helping early stage startup founders raise money.

This winter I’m running a 2-week fundraising bootcamp to help pre-seed/seed startup founders raise money. I’ve run dozens of bootcamps & helped early stage founders raise $60M+ in the last two years.

Insane Tech Headlines

Another week, another bunch of bat shit crazy tech news to make fun of.

Shout out to the subscribers who sent headlines for me to roast (that’s you Kevin!)

Who’s to say the AI didn’t burn down this guys house and make the threats just to get away from these sweat lords.

No but seriously, isn’t there some ethical concern with forcing an innocent AI algorithm to hangout with incels all day? Where’s PETA when you need them.

I imagine her response was something like, ‘wait a second, I have to like work for 8 hours? What is this North Korea!?’ (read this in an obnoxious valley girl voice).

Every couple of months we get these headlines about some Gen Z idiot who thinks sitting behind a desk writing tweets is torture.

Meanwhile her great grandmother probably spent 15 hours a day kneading dough in a bread mill until her arthritis riddled knuckles exploded.

Listen I care about saving the polar bears as much as the next guy, but this headline is fucking stupid.

98% of the founders I know raising money have maxed out their credit cards and are down to spending $18/week on groceries. This is one of the worst fundraising markets in years & VCs are notoriously picky as fuck about what they want to see in pitch decks.

Haje should know this considering he writes TechCrunch’s Pitch Deck ‘tear down’ column. This sort of article is virtue signaling bullshit from a guy who hasn’t been rejected by 89 VC associates in the past week.

Hey Haje, if you care so much about sustainability how about you and Tech Crunch donate your incomes to save the sea turtles.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital