Jabroni Capital Acquires WeWork

Welcome to the 97 Jabroni’s who became LPs since the last issue. If you haven’t subscribed yet, I’ll curse you from my NYC penthouse.

Jabroni Capital is Acquiring WeWork

Good morning LPs,

I’m THRILLED to announce that Jabroni Capital is acquiring WeWork.

It was once the most innovative company in silicon valley, home to many of the finest startups in the world, like NFT wallets and cannabis energy drinks.

But like Icarus it flew too close sun and came crashing down. Just look at this chart…

See WeWork leadership miscalculated one small thing: no one at WeWork ever actually did work. We had our unpaid intern Jeff live out of multiple Manhattan locations for the last 2 months, and his observations were SHOCKING.

Over 70% of people who spent time at WeWork claimed to be building ‘disruptive’ or ‘innovative’ startups, but 0% of them were ever seen working or paid for memberships.

For the worlds largest office startup, this was a serious problem.

That’s why starting Q1 of 2024 we are relaunching under a new brand: WeDon’tWork.

WeDon’tWork will be the most exclusive social club in the world and will make the Soho House look like a space for poor losers.

The beautiful thing with this rebrand is that we’ll retain 100% of our members since they didn’t do anything anyway. During the day members can discuss their favorite hobbies they picked up last week like rock climbing and biohacking. And at night we will host Ketamine fueled raves.

To save on costs, we won’t spend anything on renovations and will instead dim the lighting 40% and play lofi beats from Jack’s favorite playlist.

Additionally, we have hired NYPD officers trained in controversial stop & frisk maneuvers to perform random searches on members. If anyone is caught with anything that could facilitate actual work they will be permanently banned and charged $15,000.

Items subject to banning include, but are not limited to:

• Laptops (DON’T even think about it)

• Notebooks (Jack literally can’t read or write - intern Jeff)

• Pencils & Pens (see bullet #2)

• Patagonia Vests (these could encourage bonding between finance dorks)

• Android devices (Jack & college girls HATE green text bubbles)

Effective immediately Jack will take over WeDon’tWork as CEO. This is amazing news because he’s a known Adam Neumann look alike which will re-spark investor interest.

Jack & Adam’s similarities are uncanny.

1. They both have long hair

2. They both have enormous egos

3. They both have more money than you

Thank you for your continued support and belief in Jabroni Capital’s investment strategy. Together, we’ll make WeDon’tWork a household name.

Join My Fundraising Bootcamp

Shameless plug time before more fun.

Aside from making VCs cry on LinkedIn, my full time gig is helping early stage startup founders raise money.

This winter I’m running a 2-week fundraising bootcamp to help pre-seed/seed startup founders raise money. I’ve run dozens of bootcamps & helped early stage founders raise $60M+ in the last two years.

Pitch Deck Roast

We’ve had ~40 lunatics submit their pitch decks to be roasted by Jabroni Capital. Today we’re going to be pick apart Zintlr’s deck.

(Anyone who consents to being roasted will be sent genuine constructive feedback privately & copious fundraising resources that my clients pay for)

It’s always a good idea to pick a startup name that’s impossible to pronounce.

WTF does ‘Redefined channel of growth using Intelligence’ mean?? Why is intelligence capitalized at the end of the sentence. My confusion begins immediately.

I’M SCARED. The last time I read a table of contents was in college, which I dropped out of. Newsflash, if you’re worried there’s so much in your pitch deck you need an outline, I’m not reading it (unless ofc, I’m roasting it ;)

I’m gonna pretend I didn’t read the explanation behind this asinine name.

‘Launching outbound sales campaigns feels like taking a shot in the dark’ - says someone who sucks at sales.

I have friends who make millions of dollars year with outbound sales. They don’t go, ‘I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING, IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME SOFTWARE TO DO MY JOB FOR ME’.

Wait, if someone tells me that they convert 21% of their sales leads my first thought is, ‘that’s pretty good!’. If I call 10 people and 2 of them buy my product I’m crushing it.

Also, holy fuck that’s a lot of text on one slide.

Useless slide. Useless slide. Useless slide. This shit is 29 slides long. Cut it down!!! Also, the point of a pitch deck is to tell me what you’re doing.

For the sweet love of all that is holy, DON’T TEASE ME. We’re 10 slides in and I have no clue what you’re doing. You just told me you’re getting to your solution, and then you don’t get to your solution.

It’s always good to introduce your product with a question. Wait, no it’s not.

PHEW. I was about to close this deck and drink a tall glass of whiskey to recover. But then I saw they have a dark mode and they reeled me back in!

Where the fuck is the dark mode?! You guys lied to me.

SWEET BABY JESUS. The last time I was this overwhelmed was when my dad said he loved me.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I didn’t even attempt to read this. My dyslexic eyes darted between 15 different sentences and then I gave up.

This shows me the two leading competitors with millions of users (Apollo/Zoominfo) have basically as many green check marks as you and are already billion dollar companies.

You made $31k in 10 days and took till slide 23 to tell me that??!??!?!?!??! This traction is great! You could have told me this in slide 2-5 and established credibility immediately. 99% of people wouldn’t have made it this far into the deck.

Do people like the dark mode?! Customer feedback is AWESOME… except this was really overwhelming and I didn’t know where to start, so I didn’t start.

Conclusion

Ok that’s pretty much it. I left out the last team slides because I didn’t want to dox anyone. Their experience is VERY legit and the team looks like a bunch of dudes I’d love to hang out with.

Note to the Zintlr team: It looks like you guys are actually on to something really cool, but the deck is information overload and a bit too confusing. Traction seems REALLY promising and I look forward to the day you pull up in front of me in a Lamborghini and tell me to go fuck myself.

If you’re a startup founder and want to be roasted, submit your pitch deck below.

Memes

shout out to the people who sent me memes (that’s you Brad!)

morningbrew

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That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital