Investor Mode

Good morning LPs,

I’m still sick. It seems doing egregious amounts of molly while you’re recovering from illness is a bad idea. But don’t worry, I’ve hired Gwyneth Paltrow’s spiritual shaman who’s healing me with a cocktail of Turmeric, Ginger, and the tears from Nvidia shareholders.

Anyway, here’s what we cover in today’s newsletter:

• Bolt Threatens Legal Action Against Lead Investor

• Brazilian Government Bans X

• Founder Mode

Let’s get into it.

Bolt Threatens Legal Action Against Lead Investor

Two weeks ago we reported that infamous startup Bolt had signed a term sheet for $200M at a $14B valuation. In a shocking turn of events, Bolt’s founder Ryan Breslow is now threatening legal action against their lead investor Silverbear. 

I sympathize with Breslow. This reminds me of when my father threatened to pull my monthly private jet budget after I lost $300M investing in Pepe (I’m still the largest bag holder in the U.S. #HODL #DIAMONDHANDS). 

Just like Ryan I threw a temper tantrum and threatened to tell my father’s shareholders about his botched circumcision. Nobody supports a man who can’t pee straight. He fell into line real quick. Blackmail has never failed me. 

At any moment in time Jabroni Capital has a team of blackmailers standing by to dig up dirt on any company that refuses to use our portfolio companies products. That’s what you call fucking value add.

The lesson here for founders is that if you don’t get what you want, act like a blue haired communist at a republican juggling convention and scream like a banshee. 

Brazilian Government Bans X

On Friday August 30th Brazil's supreme court voted to uphold the ban on social media platform X and fine citizens $8,000/hour for using a VPN to access the outlawed platform. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for totalitarian censorship but let me make myself clear: the Brazilian government is more oppressive than when my 6th grade school principal expelled me for dosing the punch with LSD causing the other students to meticulously review the student handbook and find several loopholes giving them power to decide school lunches. 

In summation my stance on this political monstrosity is that crippling Brazil's largest export, big booty OnlyFans stars, is cruel and unfair.

This newsletter was paid for by our friends in the government of Brazil. 

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Shameless plug time.

I know most of you think I’ve been writing this newsletter out of the kindness of my heart, but in reality I’ve been desperately waiting for the day I could sell out.

Thankfully that day has come. We are looking for sponsors who want to get in front of 5,000+ founders, tech execs, and investors.

Shockingly this newsletter has one of the highest click through & open rates in the game, probably because it doesn’t make you want to stab out your eyes.

So if you want us to promote your business in the most hilarious way possible, book time to chat with us below.

Founder Mode

On Labor Day Paul Graham, aka startup Jesus, released an essay detailing what he called ‘Founder Mode’ after being inspired by an interview with Airbnb’s founder Brian Chesky. 

Graham’s essays are the tech bro equivalent of 13th century religious scripture written by a priest whose two passions are molesting boys and lopping off the heads of non-believers. 

The main difference between Graham and a pervy priest is that devout followers of Graham are fueled by Athletic Greens, Adderall, and lack of sex, while 13th century religious zealots were fueled by moldy bread, beer, and the fear of being burned alive. 

This inspired me to create what I call: Investor Mode.

Memes

This will be the hit movie of the year.

This still might be my favorite investment meme video ever.

If you work in tech and don’t do the bare minimum it’s a red flag.

Song of the Day

Here’s the song of the day. This morning I started things off by listening to Black Thought who’s arguably one of the best lyricists in the rap game. So turn off the dog shit Drake song you’ve had on repeat and put this on.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital