The Grim Reaper of Startups

Good morning LPs,

I’m in a rush this morning because an influencer friend of mine is flying me out to hang with her at Lollapalooza. Originally I was gonna say no, but I realized I might be able to find my next startup to invest in while partying with 54,000 drunk 23 year olds. Anyway, here’s what we talk about in today’s newsletter:

• AI Startup ‘Friend’ Launches Pre-Orders

• TPain Gives Zuckerberg Necklace

• VC Says $100k MRR is Meaningless

Let’s get into it.

AI Startup ‘Friend’ Launches Pre-Orders

On Tuesday, Avi Schiffmann went viral for the release of his new startup, an AI necklace called Friend. Unlike other consumer AI products this doesn’t answer questions or help you avoid work, it’s sole purpose is to be your friend. 

The device remembers everything you say, which some people think is a positive but personally I want my friends to forget when I ask them to spoon me while I weep into a pillow at 3am.

This is somehow more sad than when I was 10 and my dad bought a summer camp and imported 50 Filipino children to hang out with me for 3 months.

The commercial for the product launch was so cringe that the grim reaper of shitty tech products, Marques Brownlee, came out of the woodwork to ask ‘wait this isn’t a skit?’.

TPain Gives Zuckerberg Necklace

Mark Zuckerberg made headlines yesterday after receiving a custom gold chain from Rapper TPain. 

Mark, on behalf of the entire tech industry I have a request: save some ass for the rest of us. 

I think I need to start a newsletter segment called, ‘The Lizard Man's Rebrand’. 

Two years ago the world was convinced Zuck was a lizard sent to eat our souls through Instagram, now he’s wearing designer clothes & multiple gold chains. 

The only thing left for him to do is to legally change his name to Lil Zuck or DJ Cool Jew.

Didn’t go to Stanford but need to raise $5M? We can help.

Time for a shameless plug.

Raising money for your startup is a lot like jerking off on molly: it’s lonely, time consuming, and you don’t know if you’re doing the right things to make it go faster. But we can help you with that. 

I’ve coached dozens of pre-seed/seed founders to raise $1.5-5M from investors like a16z, Sequoia, my dad, and Jeffrey Epstein's family office. 

I’ll help you speed up the fundraising process so you can go back to blowing money on AWS & Instagram ads. 

This coaching costs between $5-$10k so if that number triggers you, ignore this. 

But if you’re willing to spend money to solve your problems, we can help. 

Bonus: We’ll even send you a Stanford hat so you can trick investors into thinking you’re more important than you are. 

Shameless plug over, time for more fun :)

VC Says $100k MRR is Meaningless

On Monday startup founder David Park shared a screenshot from a VC who begged to meet only to tell Park his $100k MRR was ‘meaningless’ and that they would invest at half the valuation. 

I gotta confess, I was the investor. But in my defense I revised this email to make it way nicer.

Originally I wrote:

“Listen up motherfucker. Your bitch ass went to UC San Diego, not Stanford. So frankly I don’t give a fuck if you’re doing $100k or $100M MRR, I wouldn’t pay half of what my Soho loft is worth to invest in this company. 

I heard in a group chat with my boys Brad and Thad that a16z and Sequoia were looking at your pitch deck. So out of common decency I’ll toss you $100k at a $9M pre-money but I want a board seat & blowjob. 

Happy to chat, but only if you’ve Vaselined those lips beforehand. Lmk if you’re down bitch boy. 

Jack out.”

Memes

Now this is a product I would invest in.

jabronicap

View more on Instagram

I was proud of this one. P.S. send me more skit ideas.

This isn’t like VCs at all, our boats are way nicer.

Song of the Day

Here’s the song of the day. This is what I’m listening to as I prepare to board a plane to go to a music festival with 50,000 drunk idiots.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital