I Declare War

Good morning LPs,

Today started off as a good day. I woke up, stretched, and meditated for 20 min using my new mantra ‘you will buy a Ferrari’. Then I opened up social media and saw people screaming about politics and wanted to crawl into a hole. Anyway, here’s what we’re going to cover in today’s newsletter:

• Former VC Wins Gold Medal at Olympics

• X Files Antitrust Lawsuit

Let’s get into it.

Former VC Wins Gold Medal at Olympics

Three years ago Kristen Faulkner left her job as a VC to become a pro-cyclist, and last week she won a gold medal at the 2024 Olympics. 

This proves my theory that any non-sociopathic person who gets a job in VC will do anything to leave the industry as quickly as possible. 

Seriously, imagine how bad working at a fund must be if you’re willing to quit your cushy six figure job, and bike until your legs feel like they’re gonna fall off for 3 years just for the slim chance that you might win a gold medal. 

Kristen is an inspiration to us all. 

Sell More w/ Sales Decks That Don’t Suck

Startup founders constantly miss out on revenue by building decks that sell their business worse than a 5 year old on Adderall. But that’s where Josh from Deckart comes in.

Deckart builds beautiful decks & sales materials that drastically increase your ability to close customers so you can avoid raising more money from braindead VCs.

I know this might come as a surprise, but the whole point of running a startup is to make fucking money. So why not invest in a deck that will increase revenue & save you weeks of headaches?

Instead of hiring 15 horrible designers off Fiver, check out Deckart to see how they can help you make an impression to your audience.

X Files Antitrust Lawsuit

On Tuesday August 6th social media platform X filed an antitrust lawsuit against advertisers claiming they were unfairly boycotting the social media platform. 

After the announcement Elon Musk posted that they were ‘going to war’, which I imagine means X employees will literally storm advertisers offices with pitchforks, torches, and plastic light sabers. 

This inspired me. I’d like to announce that I am suing the New York Yacht Club for unfairly banning me after a mild incident of public indecency. 

I didn’t buy 16 custom Armani sear-sucker suits only to be told that I can’t have 20 Aperol Spritz’s and jump into the Marina nude at 11am. 

Yacht clubs are supposed to be a place like minded spoiled rich kids, oligarchs, and tech demons can get away with sharing racists memes & promoting pump/dump scams, & showing your underwhelming genitalia to unexpecting onlookers. 

New York Yacht Club, I declare war. 

Memes

You’ll never guess the outcome here.

venturekaepital

82K followers

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Optics are everything.

corporate.bro

599K followers

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Lowkey this isn’t far off.

Damn the economy really has gotten bad.

Song of the Day

Here’s the song of the day. I used to listen to this every time I was brutally dumped by an unloving ex.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital