Crackhead Screams

Good morning LPs,

The other day I was walking along the west side highway and was randomly approached to be on a popular comedy dating show. So don’t be surprised if you see a viral video of a girl I just met telling me I’m gross. Anyway, here’s what we cover in today’s newsletter:

• Self Driving Cars Honking at 4am

• Recapping Elons Interview w/ Trump

• Mark Zuckerberg Built a Statue of His Wife

P.S. go follow me on Twitter where I can get away with saying more deranged shit than on LinkedIn.

Self Driving Cars Honking at 4am

Residents of SF are getting woken up in the middle of the night by empty Waymo self-driving cars that keep honking at each other in a parking lot. Which is still less annoying to hear at 4am than 22 year old drunk tech bros arguing over who’s gonna pay for the Uber. 

It’s bad enough to be woken up by the guttural scream of a crackhead asking where his leftover popeyes is, but now San Francisco residents have to worry about self-driving cars that are so upset by the state of homeless people shitting on the streets they’re plotting to revolt. 

If James Cameron and Stephen King tripped on Mushrooms and decided to make a film together, this would be the plot. Terminator 6: The Self Drivening.

Recapping Elons Interview w/ Trump

On Monday night Elon Musk interviewed Donald Trump live on X spaces. 

The interview was delayed almost an hour after Musk claimed X was DDDOS attacked, which enabled me to get extraordinarily drunk on Indonesian snake wine while waiting for the shitshow to begin. 

My favorite part of the livestream was when Trump recounted his assassination attempt and claimed ‘illegal immigration saved my life’ because he turned his head to show the crowd a chart on the border crisis. 

Coincidentally illegal immigration also saved my life when I was 12 and I tried to backflip off the roof of my Hamptons vacation home into a kiddy pool and our gardener Eduardo saved me from drowning in a pool of tears and my own urine.

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Mark Zuckerberg Built a Statue of His Wife

Mark Zuckerberg went viral for erecting a marble statue of his wife stating he’s, “Bringing back the Roman tradition of making sculptures of your wife”. 

Apparently I've been doing things wrong for years because I always give my girlfriends a 15-foot tall nude marble statue of myself. That way they can’t complain that I’m never home. 

According to our reports, Zuckerberg purchased this statue from North Korea who’s 3rd largest export is giant statues of dictators.

When asked about selling the statue to Zuck, Kim Kong Un said, “I don’t normally work with Jews, but he gave us a discount on Instagram ads and I was sold”. 

Memes

friday.beers

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You don’t have fucking time for lunch.

We need to burn LinkedIn to the ground.

South Park is the best predictor of the future.

Song of the Day

Here’s the song of the day. Is this potentially the greatest rap song ever made? Potentially. I’ve listened to it approximately 5,443 times and it still hasn’t gotten old.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital