Chinese Tech Overlords

Good afternoon LPs,

Over the weekend Trump deported my families long time housekeeper Juanita. In honor of the 26 years she spent cleaning up after our drunken family brawls, I’ve donated $6,000 to her favorite charity: Christian’s Against Gender Neutral Bathrooms.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

Fake headlines, real news

• ICE deported 956 people across America, thousands of American’s are now forced to do their own lawncare. Local dad says, “I wish someone would do this for me”. (News Nation)

• Egg prices are skyrocketing because of the bird flu, as a result children across America are forced to smoke cigarettes for breakfast as a cost effective alternative. (X)

• Vivek Ramaswamy steps down from Department of Government Efficiency after realizing he won’t receive any DOGE coin. (The Guardian)

• Trump holds off on Columbian tariffs after finance bros complain about increased cocaine prices. (CBS)

China Releases OpenAI Competitor Called DeepSeek

Nvidia stock and cryptocurrencies are down 5%+ today following the release of DeepSeek AI, China’s OpenAI and ChatGPT competitor. The last time the Chinese managed to crash the global stock market, they forced a scientist to fuck a pangolin releasing a highly contagious disease.

China’s DeepSeek is a lot like when Columbus handed out smallpox infested blankets to the Native Americans. The natives used the superior blanket technology to stay warm, and eventually they were infected. Much like China will give DeepSeek to American children to solve pre-algebra problems and 12 year old’s will suddenly start to think Tiananmen Square never happened. 

There’s a lot of speculation about how DeepSeek is able to undercut the tremendous costs associated with running complex AI algorithms. In America, companies like OpenAI purchase billions of dollars worth of expensive AMD and Nvidia chips to run LLMs. 

But according to our unpaid intern Jeff who flew to Beijing last week to investigate, they're using an innovative type of mass computing power which they call: KIDS. (Knowledgeable independent dependable slaves)

Every time you ask DeepSeek a question, instead of using expensive LLMs they utilize China’s most abundant resource: highly educated children. 

Are you trying to solve the final question on your calculus 2 homework? Don’t worry, 11 year old Chen Li mastered calc 6 years ago. 

Trying to create a pivot table in excel so your boss doesn’t fire you? Easy, 8 year old Wu Bao is a freak in those sheets. 

Now some of you westerners are likely concerned about the use of child labor. But the CCP has assured Jabroni Capital that these kids love answering retarded white people’s questions 17 hours/day. 

Source Content for Jabroni Capital

We’re looking for a slav.. I mean unpaid intern to help source content for the newsletter.

Believe it or not, writing this is a lot of work. So we’re looking for someone who is plugged into the tech scene to send us articles, spicy X/LinkedIn posts, etc.

Who you are:

• Spend way too much time on X & desperately need sunlight

• Like memes

• Know what tech bros are talking about

• Quick to discover trends

• Ideally you don’t hate our content

• Probably a student

This would be an informal role that could potentially blossom into something cooler. Basically you would be in a group chat with the Jabroni team and would send us interesting stuff.

If you’re interested in helping out, sign up below.

Cringiest LinkedIn Post of the Week

If you use your daughter’s car crash for LinkedIn content, you should be deported and forced to fight in Ukraine.

Memes

I wasn’t lying about that Tiananmen Square thing lol.

jabronicap

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This is the main reason we fire unpaid interns at Jabroni Capital.

corporate.sween

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Good luck having a job in 2026.

Song of the Day

Whenever I hear this song I feel like I’ve been transported back to the 1970s and I’m about to get Vietnam flashbacks. (Best enjoyed drinking whiskey and smoking a cigarette)

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital