The 1 Thing Biden & Trump Agree On: Jabroni Capital

A PE bets on human lives & we make fun of tech tweets

Author

Jack Kuveke
May 02, 2024

Good morning LPs,

In today’s newsletter I’m gonna try something different. I’m gonna break down what the fuck is happening in tech through tweets. Here’s what we cover:

  • Marquess Brownlee makes multiple startup founders cry

  • Bootstrapped founder in crippling debt

  • PE firm bets on human lives

  • VCs struggle to raise w/ same shitty pitch

After months of writing this newsletter with minimal effort, I’m trying something radical: putting in 10% more effort.

VC Frothiness Level

Dozens of you harass me and ask me whether it’s a good time to raise money for startups. So the Jabroni Capital team has developed a rating system for how good of a time it is to raise money. We call it: The VC Frothiness Level 🌊 

Not quite as shitty as 2023, but still not 2021 levels when VCs would throw $4M at your cousins 2nd worst idea

This Weeks Startup Funding Stats

💰️125 startups funded 💰️ 

💸12.1B of LP money burned💸 

📃 23 Acquisitions 📃 

💱 $7.6B spent on acquiring companies 💱 

Marques Brownlee Decimates Hardware Startups

In the past 2 weeks Marques Brownlee, the #1 tech reviewer, has brought Thor’s hammer down upon VC backed AI startups Humane & Rabbit.

As you might expect, angry tech bros and VCs took to Twitter and said it was ‘irresponsible’ for Marques to leave such scathing reviews.

These man children have been living in VC monopoly money lala land for so long that they forgot that the other 99.99% of humanity expects tech products to be… useful.

Humane & Rabbit have collectively raised $300M+ with the promise of delivering AI assistants and wearables.

The only problem is that their products are so fucking garbage that Marques literally described as ‘the worst review yet’ and ‘barely reviewable’.

Bootstrapping Your Startup = Crippling Debt?

Whenever I see a tweet like this I’m reminded that even though my 3 bedroom SoHo loft doesn’t have a hot tub, life isn’t so bad.

For real though, the life of a bootstrapped founder should be documented and narrated by David Attenborough.

“Much like the common city rat, bootstrapped founders hunt for scraps and subsist together in crowded hovels.

Here we see one racking up thousands of dollars in credit card debt by purchasing unnecessary SaaS products and Chipotle burrito bowls” - David Attenborough

Private Equity Firm Bets on Human Lives

The $500B hedge fund Apollo Global Management caught heat this week after they allegedly invested in $20 billion dollars into strangers life insurance polices.

Turns out this is illegal, which means I have to make a couple phone calls. For years Jabroni Capital has been investing in life insurance policies of rogue crypto billionaires who talk shit about the CIA.

As a VC it’s important to hedge your bets. Every time I invest in a over priced AI startup, I also invest in dying cancer patients life insurance policy.

VC’s Struggle To Raise Fund w/ Same BS Pitch

Jabroni Capital just raised $420M, and I think it’s because our pitch is unique:

“abuse founders'“

“claw back 50% of investments”

“detract value”

“invest in profitable scams”

“oligarchs love investing in me'“

Gone are the days where you can just spin up a $100M VC fund with your friend who sold his failing startup to venmo.

VCs might finally have to come up with a unique strategy to win over LP. Here’s a free idea, ‘We literally suck founders off to win deals’.

Refer the newsletter!

Every week I make you people laugh. All I ask in return is that you share it around to friends. Post about Jabroni Capital on twitter. Make fun of me on LinkedIn. I don’t care, just spread the good word.

Memes

P.S. If you liked the newsletter, could you pretty please forward this email to a friend :) subscribe here

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital

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