Your Balance is Overdrawn

Good afternoon LPs,

5 years ago I bought a $10,000 scotch cask with my friends. Tonight I’m meeting up with my buddy Aaron to try some of our whiskey he brought back from Scotland. What’s ironic is that while global markets head into economic uncertainty, this alcoholism fueled purchase might turn out to be one of my better investments.

Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Republican party split after Trump fails to release smoking gun for Epstein files. “We really don’t like the idea of Trump being a pedo, but we still think Kamala’s laugh is worse.” said a top GOP speaker(CNN)

Advocacy groups complain of hunger and food shortages at detention centers. Trump instructs ICE to allow detained immigrants to take over cooking. “The immigrants' cooking is so good it should be illegal, like them.” comments Trump (NBC)

A BBC documentary that failed to disclose the narrator was the son of Hamas official found to have broken editorial guidelines (this is real) (BBC)

Trump tries to secure UK citizenship by celebrating with Club World Cup champions Chelsea as Epstein files gain more media traction. (The Hill)

The U.S. Debt Crisis

Bitcoin spiked to over $123,000 over the weekend, and analysts believe this is mainly due to the ongoing U.S. debt crisis and weakening of the dollar. 

The U.S. is like your friend who lives in NYC and makes $1.2M/year. By normal logic they should be rich and stacking loads of cash in their Scrooge McDuck style vault.

Yes NYC is expensive and taxes are high - but after taxes your friend is taking home ~$53k/month. Surely they should be able to figure out how to live a sick life on that and still save $30k+ a month? Wrong. 

Here’s your friends monthly spend:

• Rent $15,000/month

• Groceries $0/month (he can’t cook)

• Nobu & Sushi $3,500/month

• Dates with Ukrainian & Israeli women who hate him $6,000/month

• Lamborghini Urus lease $3,500/month

• Ferragamo loafers & new clothes $5,000/month

• Saving for watches that look retarded as hell (Richard Mille’s) $20,000/month

Now if that were all our friend uncle Sam was spending on, he’d just barely be scratching by. Unfortunately there’s one line item we forgot to mention he’s spending on. 

• Advanced weapon systems & funding foreign conflicts - $212 billion/month

Now your friend's spending habit is clearly bad, but what’s even worse is that Chase bank (Congress) and his financial advisor (Trump) have raised his Amex black credit limit to $41.1 trillion. 

Your friends' children (the American people) are in a state of utter panic. Even though they’re seventeen and their primary concern is smoking weed and getting laid, they’re fairly certain their dad is spending their college fund on F16s for Ukraine.  

At this point the kids are throwing all of their Christmas and birthday money into Bitcoin in hopes that it offsets the mountain of debt their father is inevitably going to hand down to them. 

Taking a step back from our analogy, America is in financial shambles. But 95% of citizens are too distracted by Love Island to do anything about it (apparently Crystal might let Brad do butt stuff, honestly I might need to tune into that). 

Wait, what was I talking about? Right, debt. America is currently spending 18% of its annual budget on debt interest payments (and it’s on track to be 22% this year). That’s money that’s not being spent on roads, schools, and removing rogue crackheads from the streets. And it’s not like America doesn’t make money - the federal government alone took home $4.92 trillion in income. 

Reality is, we have a spending problem and if we don’t do something about it, the party is going to come to an end. 

To finish, let me quote the non-controversial figure Kanye West: 

Man I promise, I'm so self-conscious

That's why you always see me

With at least one of my watches (I'm telling you all)

Rollies and Pashas done drove me crazy

I can't even pronounce nothin', pass that Ver-say-see (oh, when it all)

Then I spent four hundred bucks on this

Just to be like, "Nigga, you ain't up on this"

And I can't even go to the grocery store

Without some Ones that's clean and a shirt with a team (oh, when it all)

It seem we livin' the American Dream (it all falls down)

But the people highest up got the lowest self-esteem (I'm telling you all)

The prettiest people do the ugliest things

For the road to riches and diamond rings (oh, when it all)

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.

Memes

This is exactly why America is fucked (and also why I love this country).

jabronicap

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That’s a good morning to wake up to.

jabronicap

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“They were the most qualified for the job”.

Song of the Day

Given that I quoted this song earlier in the newsletter, I thought it was only natural to make it the song of the day. This is probably my favorite track by Kanye West and the lyrics still hold up over 20 years later. Pretty much everyone these days os too caught up trying to act richer and more put together than they really are. In reality just like Kanye says, we’re all just self-conscious.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital