Your Balance Has Hit Zero

Good afternoon LPs,

The economy is so bad that last week I re-moved in to my old apartment. I spent the last few months thinking, “Jabroni Capital is crushing it, I’m gonna get such a sick new pad”. But when I looked for new places I realized I’m like the brokest Kardashian, mildly famous but only rich enough for a two bedroom. Guess I’ll just have to sell out to Blackrock and try again next year.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

National cortisol levels spike after Jim Cramer tells people “now is not the time to panic”. (X)

The Fed Reserve is holding a closed meeting today, Jerome Powell says, “nothing bad is ever discussed behind closed doors”. (Economic times)

Dire Wolves have been brought back from extinction, thousands of now broke stock traders apply to be eaten by them. (Time)

The Minecraft movie broke records grossing $300M at box office. Viewers said, “I’d rather watch my portfolio go zero than watch that again”. (Variety)

The Stock Market Plummets (again)

America is in panic as global markets plummet harder than almost any point in the previous 40 years. Millions of Americans that backed Trump’s presidency believing that he would bring America back to greatness are losing hope. But I’m here to tell you everything is going according to Trump’s plan.

In 2016 Trump ran his campaign on building a wall to stop illegal immigration. Was building a 2,500 mile long wall a great idea? Obviously. But Trump realized that the wall doesn’t stop the underlying problem. This is similar to what happened in the 80s during the drug war. If you make drugs illegal, that doesn’t stop the desire to do them. Drugs are fun (especially when you lose everything). Since Ronald Reagan started the war, the demand for drugs has only gone up. 

Trump understands the same thing is happening with illegal immigration. 

1. There’s already 11M illegals in America, the wall doesn’t solve that. 

2. America is amazing and illegals are addicted to our prosperity. 

So what’s the solution? It’s obvious: destroy the economy. Turn the land of prosperity into the land of despair. The only way to get them to go back to México, is to make America worse than México. Back to our drug analogy. If you want to stop people from doing coke, you cut it with baby powder. That awesome high you once got quickly diminishes and leads to disappointment. Do you stop doing drugs? Fuck no. You switch to meth, and in this case meth is every other country on the planet. 

Just like the Russian’s starved the Germans out of Leningrad, Trump is starving the Venezuelan gangs out of Time Square. 

I know what you’re thinking, “well gee willikers Jack, Trump also promised to bring manufacturing and jobs back to America, how do this help?”. 

Well my dear reader, that’s step 2 of the plan. 

Yes, you’re going to lose your awesome tech job in the DEI department at Google. But iPhones don’t build themselves and HR ladies have small child-like hands. Perfect for sweatshop work. 

Everyone is going to have a job in America, it’s just not a cool high paying tech job. You’re going to move out of Soho and Beverly Hills, and assemble car parts in Indiana. 

Many of you are probably worried about how the Jabroni Capital team is going to weather this storm. I’ve been preparing for years. Jabroni Capital owns over 30 illegally run sweatshops in middle America. Under the new administration these will soon be legal and will employ thousands of desperate Americans.

I’m sure many of my tech bro/bra readers will be out of jobs soon. So if you have small hands and are willing to relocate to northern Oklahoma, send me an email. I’m sure we can find a position for you on the JC team.

Join My Workshop for Founders Raising $500k - $3M+

Time for a shameless plug

Most founders think the only way they’ll raise money from VCs is if they fake their revenue & get nominated to Forbes 30 under 30.

But if you’re like me and think you’d be the cutest person in jail, there’s a better way to raise money for your company.

Here are 3 core skills successful founders must nail in order to successfully raise money:

1. Narrative/pitch - do my investors think I’ll make them rich

2. Network - of 50 founders who can distribute my narrative to investors

3. FOMO - are investors afraid they will miss out on investing

That’s why this Thursday and Friday I’m running a two-day workshop for 30 founders who are raising $500k-$3M+ now or in 2025.

20 dope startups have already signed up. So if you’re a founder who plans to raise money in 2025, join my workshop so you can enjoy at least 10 years before going to jail.

Memes

This is one of the greatest videos ever created.

jabronicap

12K followers

View more on Instagram

It’s all fun and games until the feds show up.

jabronicap

12K followers

View more on Instagram

If you thought it was hard to balance founder life last week, just wait until your portfolio is worth less than your Patagonia vest collection.

Song of the Day

You woke up substantially poorer than you were last week. What better song to start the day of than, “I Need a Dollar”. I remember listening to this when I rode the bus back in high school. Back then I needed a dollar to buy oregano laced weed. Now I need a dollar to finance DoorDash and pay for my wildly over priced NYC apartment.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital