You've Been Rejected

Good morning LPs,

Thank you to everyone who watched the first episode of the new comedy show I launched earlier this week. Several of my family members reached out to me to tell me that regardless of how many views it gets, I’ll always be a failure in their eyes. By the time we finish the first season, I fully expect to be disinherited from my father’s will.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Cory Booker breaks record for speaking 24+ hours in front of congress, reports show he doesn’t have a wife so no one has told him to STFU before (X)

Judge drops charges against NYC mayor Eric Adams after receiving unlimited Turkish airline miles. (NPR)

China, Japan, and Korea respond to U.S. tariffs. Officials from the countries said, “we will not let your awkward tech bros date our women until these are removed”. (Reuters)

CEO of fashion startup Castle, Christine Hunsicker, defrauds investors out of $534M, proving that women can scam equally as well as men. (Techcrunch)

College Admissions Scandal

Surprise, surprise college is a scam. Who would have thought? Earlier this week, Zac Yadegari, an angsty 18 year old, went viral after getting denied from most top colleges despite having a 4.0 GPA, 34 ACT, and being the CEO of a $30M ARR startup. 

A lot of people got upset at the college admissions system for not letting such a qualified student in, but I want to take a second to defend Stanford and the other Ivy’s. No where in Zac's post did he mention anything about being the captain of the track team or raising $5,000 for Relay For Life (whose money goes to pedophiles not cancer research).

No one cares if you create a $100M company by 18, they care about the important things in life, like extracurricular activities or how many AP classes you took. In addition critics say Zac’s essay was poorly written and elitist. Good news for you Zac, writing is gay. William Shakespeare, total queen. Hemingway, diva. Jack Kuveke, probably closeted. 

Zac don’t take this the wrong way, I had the same naivete as you when I was 19. Let me explain. For those that don’t know, I went to a dumb university that was endlessly bureaucratic and hella lame. In 2016 during my sophomore year I got a job running marketing for a cryptocurrency. Over the course of that year I built one of the largest crypto communities in the world with 10s of thousands of members and raised the largest crypto ICO in the world ($53M) out of my dorm room. Overnight I went from having 8 dollars to my name, to millions, all before I turned 20 years old. 

Naturally I was very busy and didn’t want to take bullshit classes like business writing, that were mandatory at my university. I was already writing press releases, blog posts, and news articles read by literally millions of people. In my head I thought that was a good enough experience to avoid business writing 101 - WRONG. I met with the dean, multiple top professors, and the president of the university to get my work experience to count as course credits. They gave me 5 credits. I was promoted to the C-suite of a now 150+ person company that had billions of dollars under management. Regardless, this didn’t matter and I was told I had to take philosophy 101 and gender studies in order to graduate. So what did I do? I dropped the fuck out and moved to Serbia. (I know given my track record this sounds fake, but this story is 100% true)

My point in saying this isn’t that I’m amazing. A lot of the shit I did back then was dumb, and I literally lost millions of dollars and had to flee Eastern Europe (story for another time). What I’m trying to get at, is that colleges don’t give a fuck about the real world. They’re run by professors who’ve never done anything, who care only about “the rules” of the university, and are scared of people who think independently. The check markers for success in school are LITERAL checkmarks. Success in real life is much more simple: do you have money or expertise? If yes, then you’re legit. School sells you the idea that they’re giving you expertise. But anyone who gets a job after college knows that your company trains you to do your job. The college just gives people an idea of whether you can learn quickly or not. 

But Zac, you already proved you can learn quickly. We know that because you’re making $30M/year. I understand you want to go college to get laid, but there's a much easier way to do that. Just buy Lamborghini, slap on a Rolex, and go hit on some NYU chicks. Trust me, I watched a Grant Cardone video and I’m pretty sure that works.

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Time for a shameless plug

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But unlike swallowing a hornets nest, you can be taught how to raise funding.

Instead of crying in your parents basement like I did in 2019, I can help you raise money so next year your family won’t think you’re a failure.

That’s why I’m running a two-day workshop for 20 founders who are raising $500k-$3M+ now or in 2025.

We will focus on 3 core components founders must nail in order to successful raise money….

• Narrative/pitch - do my investors think I’ll make them rich

• Network - of 50 founders who can distribute my narrative to investors

• FOMO - are investors afraid they will miss out on investing

Last workshop multiple founders raised $50k+ during or immediately after the workshop.

If you want help doing the same, enroll below.

Memes

jabronicap

12K followers

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McKinsey and I want similar things.

thenickmeme

945 followers

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Next time someone tells me I’m offensive, I’m saying that it’s good for my mental health.

I’ve lost $18M this month and may have to sell one of my vacation homes.

Song of the Day

Ironically I used to listen to this song years before I was addicted to Nicotine, Ketamine, DMing Russian onlyfa- “entrepreneurs” at 3am. There’s something about 2013-15 that was particularly good for indie pop music like this. When I was living in Serbia I frequently listened to this track while walking down the streets of Belgrade. I was pretty much sober at the time, so I like to think I was mentally preparing myself to crash out and become a degenerate 9 months later.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital