You've Been Liquidated

Good afternoon LPs,

The crypto markets crashed on Friday. In the past, I would have panicked, sold everything, and blamed the losses on my accountant. But I’ve learn from past mistakes. So instead, I got blackout drunk for 72 hours, and when I woke on Monday, crypto prices had rebounded. I’ve really grown a lot these past couple of years.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Hamas releases the last of the Israeli hostages after Trump threatens to crash their crypto holdings again. (NPR)

Deloitte says AI is delivering ‘Workslop’. “We have firsthand experience; we had to pay back the Australian government $440k for our report containing fake citations,” said the CEO. (Bloomberg)

J.P. Morgan to invest $10B in national security. Jamie Dimon says, “We’re not going to be the only ones not making money spying on the American people”. (Reuters)

Nancy Pelosi complains about the government shutdown stalling her portfolio growth. “I don’t want to use a Bloomberg terminal like all the brokies, I want my insider information back”. (USA Today)

You’ve Been Liquidated 

On Friday, global stock markets and crypto markets crashed after President Donald Trump announced a 100% retaliatory tariff on China. In the span of a few minutes, the S&P 500 lost $700B in market cap, and BTC dropped from $123,000 to a low of ~$104,000. 

The drop in the stock market was bad, but the crypto markets were hit hardest. Altcoins saw 30%+ drops in the span of minutes, which led to nearly $20B in liquidations for many retail traders. 

So how did this happen? Well, for the last 5 years, thousands of Americans made millions trading shitcoins like Fartcoin and Cumrocket, on margin. Meaning they took out loans against their portfolio to be able to increase their investment size and theoretically make more money. 

The only problem with this strategy is that if the market were to say, collapse 10-30% in a day, your position could get liquidated. Liquidation in this case means a 28-year-old in Miami now has to sleep in his Lamborghini because that was the only asset he didn’t have on margin. (Trust me, if he could have had the Lambo on margin, he would have.)

Coincidentally, right before Trump announced the tariffs, a new crypto wallet was created and placed shorts on BTC and ETH. The last short was placed at 4:49 PM, and Trump’s announcement was made at 4:50 PM. The account made $200M in a single day. 

This was essentially the big short for people with a room-temperature IQ. But instead of an autistic guy and an angry jew named Mark Baum betting against the market, it was likely Donald Trump and his friends. 

The only people who were protected from this liquidation were poor people and Trump’s group chat. Let this be a lesson for all of my readers. My mom always told me that who you surround yourself with matters. They can either invite you to smoke weed under the bleachers or they can send you awesome short positions that will make you $80M in a couple of hours. Choose wisely. 

Stop Sucking at Startup Sales

Most founders suck at sales. And that’s not surprising, considering most companies make less than my cleaning lady, Juanita.

That’s why my friend Dan is hosting a webinar to help founders close $25k-$1M enterprise deals.

Not only has Dan saved me from drowning in a Miami hot tub before, but he’s also a world-class sales coach.

So if you’re a founder who actually wants to learn how to run sales discovery calls and make money, register for his free workshop later this week:

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital, I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.

Memes

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Sam Altman just gave me a get out of jail free card.

Just realized Pete Holmes made more Batman videos, if you’ve never seen these sketches, consider this your lucky day.

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Men just want one thing, and it’s disgusting.

Song of the Day

This is my favorite song of the last couple of weeks. Michelle is an under-the-radar indie pop band that has never gotten the attention that they deserve. So if you’re disappointed by another milk-toast Taylor Swift album, do yourself a favor and look into Michelle’s catalog.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital