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Good afternoon LPs,
We’ve had thousands of new readers subscribe in the last month. So I just want to say, welcome and please don’t fucking sue me for any of the crazy shit I say. You won’t be able to get any money out of me anyway, because I’ll just go off the grid in South East Asia and continue writing my insane thoughts until I’m inevitably assassinated. Ok, with that out of the way…
Let’s get into today’s newsletter.
Hard and Fast News
fake headlines, real news
Europe Accepts Trump Trade Deal. “I knew those crumpet munchers would take the deal, everyone that doubted me doesn’t look so good now! Don’t doubt Donald!” said Trump in a Truth Social post Monday morning. (NYT)
Tesla signs a $16.5 billion dollar chip contract with Samsung. Elon Musk stated “There will be strict measures in place to ensure these chips do not go off on antisemetic tangents while self driving is activated.” (WSJ)
Thailand and Cambodia agree to a ceasefire. The deal terms involved exchange of 500 Thai ladyboys to the Cambodian national palace for 700 Cambodian textile workers. (BBC)
26% of Americans say they need to make at least $1 million per year to feel rich. “If I can’t buy 3 Lamborghinis a year then I’m basically making nothing.” answered one survey respondent. (Bankrate)
The Tea App Was Hacked
The Tea app has been hacked, and you can go download 59.3 gigabytes of user selfies right now.
The hack is real. A picture from someone I know who signed up just to see what was on there was in it.
This was an obviously vibe-coded app and was bound to be insecure.
— Crémieux (@cremieuxrecueil)
4:47 PM • Jul 25, 2025
Last week the Tea App, an app that allows women to get communal dating advice and discuss men, made headlines after people noticed it was the fastest growing app in America. Days later it was hacked and the personal information of thousands of women was released.
My favorite comment about the hack.
Let me break down what happened.
For those that don’t know, this app was originally inspired by online pages such as the Facebook group “Are we dating the same guy?”. The goal of these groups is pretty self explanatory. In the age of online dating, many women are concerned that their boyfriend of 3 years secretly has a wife and 8 kids in Oklahoma. With how easy it is to set up dates with random strangers, this is a valid concern.
In comes the Tea App. The founder, Sean Cook, realized that women are terrified of being shoved into a meat freezer by a guy from Tinder. So he built a women only community where they can share dating tips, and more importantly, photos of guys they’re actively dating. In theory this seems fine, ladies can ask, “hey this guy seems great, but has anyone else woken up in a bathtub full of ice with no kidney after going to Outback Steakhouse with this dude”.
Unfortunately, as you can probably imagine, this can spiral quickly. Instead of asking if some guy named Jeff was nice, all of a sudden you have a forum of loveless resentful women claiming Jeff has a micro penis and saying he’s a loser for being 5 foot 11. And worst of all, the app ONLY allows women to join. So now, not only can Jeff not figure out why every gal on the hinge is sending him photos of a baby carrot, but he can’t even defend himself. It’s no longer a case of “He said, she said” it’s literally “She said, she said”.
Let me be clear, I don’t want it to seem like I’m blaming women. This app is just a symptom of the existential division crisis we have in society. Liberal vs conservative. Religion vs religion. Chic-fil-A vs Popeyes. You get the picture. If a woman uses the Tea App one time for a guy she has a bad feeling about, that’s one thing. But the people using the Tea App every day are the women who have the worst dating lives. They’re distrustful and angry. They’re actively trying to figure out what's wrong with every man they come across. Just like how Incel men on 4-chan complain about women, they’ve created an echo chamber of gals who have the same issues, and the toxic power users are the ones who define the culture of the app.
Honestly the internet is just driving people fucking crazy. We all need to get off of our phones, pick up a newspaper, and formulate our own opinions. Stop going straight to the Instagram comments to see what you’re supposed to think about an issue. Have you’re own fucking opinion. And when you want to date someone, go out into the real world and talk to people. Make up your own mind about who you like or don’t like. And if you think that the guy you’ve been on 3 dates with is seeing other women, go back to basics and have your friend Stacy stake out his apartment like the good old days.
If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.
Memes
If you can’t afford a coach, this is your next best option.
It just had to be done.
This dude can’t keep his hands to himself.
Song of the Day
If you don’t go back and listen to classic 90s rap like this, I don’t trust you. Big Pun is a legend and his album Capital Punishment had a bunch of certified bangers. Highly recommend listening to this track driving a convertible alongside a body of water.
Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.
This might be the happiest I’ve looked in a photo in a while.
I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)
How was the newsletter today? |
That’s all for this week folks,
Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital
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