Validation Porn

Good afternoon LPs,

While everyone over the weekend was speculating about whether or not Trump died, I was busy frolicking around the streets of Brooklyn. I foolishly decided to take a month off from drinking, which means I have to fill my time doing healthy things like “working out” and “hanging out with friends” instead of getting drunk and fighting bums under the Williamsburg Bridge.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Trump imposes a 50% tariff on India as punishment for buying Russian oil. “We were planning on selling the oil that we confiscated from Diddy, but now we’ll have to figure something else out,” said Trump (The Guardian)

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce announce engagement. “We’re for sure getting a prenup. If things head south, he can rely on his measly $17 mil salary from football. That’s like one show for me,” read a Tweet from Swift. (NBC)

Palantir CEO Alex Karp sells more than $60 million worth of shares. “After reading Jabroni Capital’s analysis last week, I too realized that the stock was overvalued.” (Barrons)

Grand Jury declines to indict man accused of throwing a sandwich at D.C. police officer. “We were mostly worried about him wasting the sandwich, but when we realized it was from Subway, we knew it wasn’t gonna be good.” said the foreman for the Jury. (WSJ)

Astrology App Raises $2.5M

On Friday, startup founder Nicole Hsing announced $2.5M of funding for her startup Arcarae. Immediately, tech bros began losing their minds and criticizing VCs for funding this business. 

At first, I couldn’t figure out why people were upset. After watching her startup funding video, which was essentially a bad Vice documentary, I had no fucking clue what her business did. 

Naturally, I went to their website and only became more lost. Her flagship research, Mirror, is described as, “Just as humans process complex thoughts via internal dialogue, MIRROR creates a parallel cognitive architecture for large language models”. 

At this point, I felt like I was stuck in an acid-fueled fever dream. So I went to their testimonials to get clarity, and that’s when things went completely off the rails. 

This is when it dawned on me. Her app is an astrology chatbot masquerading as an AI research company. 

Of course, tech bros hate this. Anyone who regularly has sex with women can tell you that the one thing that they love more than anything is Astrology. It’s easy for some sweaty nerd who hasn’t taken a shower to say, “only dumb bitches like Astrology”, but even Harvard PhDs are not immune to the seduction of the stars. 

Gen Z and Millennial women want validation in the most convoluted way possible. 

Let’s say your girlfriend got passed up in the final round of a job. What do you think she wants to hear? “It’s ok, you’ll get the next one, you’re a smart and wonderful person”. 

But what she actually wants to hear is:

• My dearly beloved

• The universe and all its stardust

• Crafted this moment

• For you 

• And only you

• At this exact time

• In this exact place

• For your ultimate predetermined success

This is why I think Arcarae will print fucking money. 

The app is a completely emotional sell. It defies logic. That’s why it will work. 

This isn’t a new phenomenon. Think about it. 

• Tarot card readings

• Silent meditations

• Psychic counseling

• Regular therapy

• Taylor Swift’s lackluster re-recordings

• Live, laugh, love posters

All of these things make millions preying on lost and emotionally confused people (mainly gals). And it’s working. 

So why wouldn’t this app work?

In a godless society, people are desperate for meaning and guidance. It’s fun to say there’s no God when mortgage rates are 3%. But when inflation is rising, war is on the horizon, and  Trump is deporting your favorite empanada shop owner, people need a replacement for religion. Validation porn like Arcarae is just one new option.

Make Content For Jabroni Capital

We’re looking for a slav.. I mean, an “employee” to help source and make content.

Believe it or not, writing this is a lot of work. So we’re looking for someone who is plugged into the tech scene to help us make content for Instagram, LinkedIn, & X.

Who you are:

• Spend way too much time on X & desperately need sunlight

• Like memes

• Know what tech bros are talking about

• Quick to discover trends

• Ideally, you don’t hate our content

• You like making content & want to get better at it.

You would be working with me and our content team to produce content for Jabroni Capital and our social media ghostwriting clients.

If you’re interested in helping out, sign up below.

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital, I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter. Shout out to Filipe for referring the most subs.

Memes

jabronicap

33K followers

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It’s easy to ball out when you’re worth $20M on paper.

mytechceo

264K followers

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Jason is my spirit animal.

jabronicap

33K followers

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This was 80% of us last week.

Song of the Day

I fucking love this song. I don’t know any of her other music, and given how many times I’ve listened to this over the last 1.5 years, I should probably do some research. There’s something about spooky and funky instrumentals paired with a beautiful woman’s voice that just does it for me.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital