Unc Status

Good afternoon LPs,

Over the weekend, my brother Paul had his first child, and I became an uncle. Now, even though he and my sister-in-law selfishly did not name the baby after me, I’m still overjoyed. Even in my lowest moments, I have an overwhelming appreciation for life. Getting the opportunity to share that appreciation with the next generation is one of life’s great gifts. So, welcome to earth Paul Martin Kuveke V. Can’t wait to give you copious amounts of nepotism.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Jamie Dimon claims World War III has already begun. “The new J.P. Morgan building has a secret bunker underneath it stocked with Zyns and Redbull so our analysts can continue working through armageddon,” said Jamie Dimon at a press conference. (Yahoo Finance)

Gold surges above $5000 for the first time ever. Saudi Arabians and schizophrenic doomsday preppers in Appalachia celebrate +84% portfolio growth over one year. (WSJ)

Schools and businesses close in the south after a light dusting of snow. “All of the southern states are working together to fight ice, but not in the same way the northern ones are,” says the analyst. (CBS)

Nuclear Energy is Rad

It was another political weekend. Every political pundit and influencer is trying to tell you what to think. But I don’t want to do that. So instead I’m gonna talk about one of my more autistic obsessions: Nuclear Energy (and why it’s not making your life better, even though it totally could). 

First things first. Before we talk about nuclear, let me give you a quick lesson on how all energy is created. I could start by explaining how changing magnetic fields induce electric fields, which then generate electric current, but most of my audience probably cares more about Notre Dame football or European gay football, so I’ll skip straight to the basics. 

Over 90% of power generation methods do the exact same thing. Make heat, boil water, create steam, spin fan blade, fan blade spin magnet, magnet make electricity.

Yes, I know. It’s underwhelming, and nothing has essentially changed since steam engines. The only reason you didn’t freeze to death this weekend is that a million magnets spun a billion times, and Con Edison charged you like $180 this month, which you think is bullshit. 

The real innovation in energy comes from how heat is generated. Nuclear energy utilizes uranium, which is among the most energy-dense materials in the world. 1 kilogram of uranium 235 literally contains millions of times more energy than 1 kilogram of fossil fuels.

Here are some other amazing things when it comes to Nuclear:

• Zero carbon emissions

• On average, zero nuclear-related deaths per year (fossil fuel pollution kills an estimated 5-10 million a year) 

• Nuclear power plants can last up to 80 years. 

• The lifetime emissions of a nuclear plant are less than Solar and Wind

• Plants are designed to literally survive a direct impact from a Boeing 747. 

So why isn’t nuclear energy more popular? Some people will tell you it’s because of the radioactive waste, but this is a lie. We solved waste; you can bury it underground, and even the temporary containers used at power plants last 100 years. The real issue is cost. 

Building a nuclear power plant in the United States is fucking expensive. Like absurdly expensive. It costs about $7-15B to build a plant, and construction from planning to energizing can take decades. Just getting the permits and doing environmental studies can take 10 years. 

Now imagine you invest $10B, but best case it takes 10 years to build. The entire time your financing is accruing interest, and by the time the plant is producing energy, you’ve stacked on a couple of extra billion in interest alone. This investment is almost as bad as the unprofitable AI startups that VCs have given billions of dollars to. 

At the same time it takes to build 1 nuclear plant, you could have built 3 natural gas plants and spent half as much money. This means that, on average, it takes 30-40 years to recoup your investment on a nuclear plant. 

So how did it get this way? 

The answer is simple: fear. Chernobyl and Three Mile Island scared people. It’s kind of like when your mom didn’t let you go to parties in high school because her friends, friends, friends kid died in a tragic gay high school orgy (thanks, mom). 

So we over-regulated nuclear power. Even though they were magnitudes safer than other energy sources before these accidents. 

But before any of you say, “well Jack, we don’t know if mass-scale nuclear would be safe, because no country is doing it,” let’s set the record straight. France gets 70% of its power from nuclear, and you don’t hear of radioactive sewer monsters terrorizing those metrosexual frog eaters. 

The reality is, there’s a lot we could do to make nuclear energy cheaper. You could get clean electricity for a fraction of the cost, but that means oil companies would make less money. So they pay your politicians to tell you nuclear energy is dangerous and scary, so the cycle continues. 

So what’s my recommendation? To take to the streets in major cities, like Minneapolis, and protest your politicians for not giving you clean energy. I’m sure if we make our opinions known, our government will definitely listen to us. 

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital, I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.

Memes

This is one of the best videos on the internet. If you don’t get the reference, we can’t be friends.

This is a bad sign.

Don’t tell me this isn’t accurate.

Song of the Day

I moved to NYC 8 years ago. I had no college degree, the company I had just worked for imploded (and I lost millions), and I was struggling to get back on my feet. But thankfully, I had my brother Paul. He bought me dinners, introduced me to friends, and helped me get an illegal sublet in the apartment above his, using a big chunk of the last remaining money I had. Even though the next 6 months were hard, they were some of the best of my life. I spent most nights hanging with my brother, listening to music. This song in particular makes me think of him. It’s hard to believe he’s a dad now, but I can’t wait to listen to songs like this with him and my nephew.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital