Trail of Tears 2.0

Good afternoon LPs,

On Friday night I was reading a book (shockingly I can read) and was planning to have an early night. But then my friend called me and I proceeded to have 15 whiskey’s and woke up on Saturday with the worst hangover of my adult life. Thankfully my friends were there to support me:

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

Real News, Fake Headlines

Russian officials claim that, “just like our bridges our U.S. relations are on the brink of collapse”. (NBC)

FEMA allegedly spent $59M putting illegal immigrants into Luxury Hotels. A Four Seasons spokesperson apologized for assuming they were cleaning staff. (National Review)

A Whistleblower claims Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro had a hand in the Trump Assassination attempt. Shapiro denied this stating, “It couldn’t have been me, I was with Zelensky at a Taylor Swift concert”. (X)

Kanye West deactivated his X account after realizing that the app was built by Jews. (Variety)

The Eagles Win the Super Bowl

Last night America watched in horror as a bunch of guys from Philadelphia destroyed some Chiefs. Frankly, I was confused because I expected this victory. America was founded on guys from Philly invading Chief lands for a completely one sided battle. 

What I did find amazing was that the Eagles managed to secure a total victory without smoking crack or using guns like an average Philly resident. 

However I was told that the game was incredibly boring, I wouldn’t know because I was busy drinking rose and watching Polo highlights. But I felt inspired and had some ideas for how we can spice up the NFL. 

Here’s how I would make football more entertaining: 

Step 1: Get rid of all drug testing. I want these man-imals to bioengineer themselves into absolute freakdom. I’m talking 490 pound linebackers and quarterbacks that could throw a football through a toddlers chest cavity. 

Step 2: Encourage cheating. As our government showed us, you only get in trouble if you get caught. I want these boys to get dirty. Poison the other teams Gatorade, honey pot 64 year old coaches with hot ladyboys, or wear neural-link enhanced spinal braces. 

Step 3: Only allow teams to recruit from people in their cities. Scalping stronger players from other cities is bullshit. You should have to foster freaks from your hometown. This is obviously gonna favor the southern states - I need not explain more. Unfortunately, the San Francisco 49ers newest lineman is gonna be a 5 foot 7 former software engineer at Salesforce. Unless he gets some leg extensions and growth hormone injections he’s going to be executed by New Orleans Saints. 

I’m sick and tired of sitting through three and a half hour games pretending like I give a shit. Twitter fights between obese politicians shouldn’t be more entertaining than football. America is obviously still #1. But our best sport isn’t representative of our people. We’re a bunch of drugged up, fat, cheaters - it’s time that our games represent our spirit. 

Memes

Philly is fucking WILD.

Highlight of my week was Bryan Johnson responding to this clip from me and my buddy Jason.

This is my favorite meme of the week.

Song of the Day

I miss guitar solos. There’s something about a heroin junky absolutely shredding that just makes you feel alive. This song by Chicago comes back on my rotation ever couple of years. Give a listen, it’s a nice change of pace from the shit we normally hear.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital