Trade War: 2025

Good morning LPs,

Just like the rest of America, I watched a TikTok 4 days ago and learned what Tariffs are. Like many of you, I’m pissed off about them. I buy all my Ketamine from a hipster in Montreal, and if I have to spend anymore I’ll have to downgrade from my 4,500 sq ft West Village loft.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

Fake headlines, real news

Hedge Funds are poised to make billions betting on the collapse of the American economy. In response the CEO of Goldman Sachs said “Betting on the collapse of the US Economy is a safer bet than the Kansas City Chiefs winning against a team of paraplegics”. (Telegraph)

Trudeau just figured out that Americans love to pick on Canada. Sources say that his mom doesn’t let him watch South Park. (X)

Elon Musk has hired 6 young boys to run Doge. When asked why he responded “I was going to hire one of my 13 children but I’m worried they’re not Asian enough”.(X) 

A jet crashed into the streets of Philadelphia on Friday evening. When interviewed a Philly resident stated “This city is such a shithole that I didn’t even notice until I realized the WaWa on 5th st was missing”. (CNN)

Trump Speaks With the Leaders of Canada and Mexico About Tariffs

The global markets opened way down today and are expected to be an utter bloodbath in response to Trump’s Tariffs against Canada, México, and China. 

Jabroni Capital acquired leaked conversations Trump had over the weekend with the leaders of Canada and México. 

First he spoke with México’s president Claudia Sheinbaum. Here’s the transcript: 

Trump: “Hola Claudia, ¿cómo estás?”.

Sheinbaum: “I’ve been better Donald, these Tariffs will hurt both of our people”. 

Trump: “I’m not good either Claudia. Muy malo actually, no bien. These los drugos and illegal immigrantos are fucking up our country and you’ve been complacento”. 

Sheinbaum: “Mr. Trump I speak fluent English, you don’t need to placate me”.

Trump: “I’ll be honest with you Claudia, you haven’t gotten the message so far so I’m trying to say things you might understand. I had to download Duolingo Claudia. I’m using the gay bird, have you tried it? It’s amazing. 5 minutes with the gay bird every day I can yell at my staff in another language”.

Sheinbaum: “I think we’re going off track here Don -”.

Trump: “Wrong Claudia, you’ve gone off track. I’ll tell you what, I’ll end these tariffs if you take back your illegals and send me a case of Mexican coke. It’s delicious. I don’t know what you put in it, but it's great. My doctor tells me I can only drink diet, but just like you I’m sneaking it in. You’ve got 24 hours to meet my demands or things will be tarrif-ible. It’s a play on words Claudia, I mean business.”.

Sheinbaum: “Donald we can talk about thi-”.

Trump: “No you’re gone, adios amigo.” Click

Immediately after his conversation with Sheinbaum, Trump made a call to Justin Trudeau of Canada. Here’s what they said”.

Trump: “Hola Amiga, that means you’re a lady in Mexican. They’re gonna fire you soon Justin, but don’t worry I’ll hire you to clean El Blanco Casa. You and the rest of North México are causing me problemos. I just got off the phone with South México. They agreed with my demands and called you gayo. I thought it was a little out of line, but those were there words not mine”.

Trudeau: “We will not stand for these tariffs Donald, don’t try to bully us”.

Trump: “Justine, no one picked you for street hockey growing up, and honestly I wouldn’t either. You’ve got bird bones Justine - we’re going to call you Bird Bone Justine.” 

Trudeau: “You think you can just walk all over us, we’re retaliating by putting tariffs on our oil”. 

Trump: “We don’t need your Maple Syrup bird bones - the blacks don’t even like it, they use Aunt Jemima - everyone’s favorite aunt”.

Trudeau: “That’s racist Donald”. 

Trump: “Ok Mrs. Blackface - I bet you don’t have a single black friend in North México. My buddy Kodak Black told me I could call you the n-word, but I won’t because I’m a good guy”. 

Trudeau: “What are we even talking about anymore Donald”.

Trump: “Listen Justine - if you keep up your nagging, I’ll send our Venezuelan gangs to you. This conversation is over. Adios Bird Bones”. 

As you can see tensions between America and our neighbors are heating up. In response Jabroni Capital has purchased 40,000 pounds of Maple Syrup and Mexican coke to hedge against this looming crisis. 

Memes

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Our X memes are cooking.

Song of the Day

I’m back to listening to classic rock this week. Music peaked 40 years ago and none of you swifties and trap music listening Jabroni’s can try to argue otherwise. Close your eyes and listen to this song as we wait for the collapse of our economy.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital