This newsletter will probably piss you off (but I don’t care)

Good afternoon LPs,

A lot is happening in the world. The U.S. is trying to take over Greenland, Iran is trying to overthrow their government, and the Federal Reserve chairman Jerome Powell is pushing back against Trump. But we’re not talking about any of that today. Instead, I’m gonna rant about a topic that has been driving me crazy for years.

Let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

‘Trade bazooka’ is considered by the EU as Trump continues the Greenland threat. The U.S. Military put on high alert before realizing ‘bazooka’ just referred to another piece of paper the EU leaders signed. (USA Today)

China’s Birthrate Sinks to Record Low. “When you focus this much on teaching kids complex mathematical algorithms instead of how to talk to women, this unfortunately was to be expected,” commented Xi Jinping. (WSJ)

Trump invites Putin to join Gaza peace board, Kremlin says. “We know these peace boards have been tried before and don’t work, but I’ll take the face time with Trump,” said Vladimir Putin (Politico)

Health Trends

At 6 am on Saturday morning, I was in a Dunkin’ Donuts buying coffee when my eyes and vestibular system were assaulted. At the register, I was asked if I’d like to add “protein milk” to my coffee. I was so taken aback that I lost balance, got tunnel vision, and started to hyperventilate. I expected this kind of health grift from Starbucks, but Dunkin is for the 10 blue-collar construction guys going to work in the line behind me. 

This added protein health trend is just the latest fad perpetuated by TikTok and fear-mongering grifters. Take 15 seconds, and you’ll see:

• Protein Poptarts

• Protein Snickers

• Protein Doritos

• Protein Pizza 

The list goes on and on. Jesus Christ, people, we need to cut it the fuck out with these psychotic health trends. Yes, protein is important, but it always has been, and you knew it for your entire life. I’m sick of people lying to themselves and saying the reason they are fat or unhealthy is that they didn’t know spinach, broccoli, and chicken were better for you than Taco Bell (or that there weren’t healthy options). 

Sure, there are gross poor people living in “food deserts”, but I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about the countless upper-middle-class friends of mine who are like, “Did you know that you shouldn’t eat processed foods and seed oils??” YES. I literally always knew that. I’ve experienced eating salad and also eating Chicken McNuggets. One of them gives you explosive diarrhea and intense feelings of guilt, and the other doesn’t remotely hurt you. Don’t tell me you needed a guy with a tight-fitted shirt or a hot girl in yoga pants to tell you to eat eggs and spinach for breakfast instead of Fruit Loops. You always knew eggs were better for you. You just didn’t have the discipline to eat them. 

Yes, eating healthy is slightly harder. Instead of doordashing Domino’s or buying frozen enchiladas, you have to go to the outer aisles of a grocery store, look at vegetables without killing yourself, buy them, and then find a recipe that shows you how to make them not taste like ass. And I understand this is hard when you have kids and a full-time job, but most of my friends don’t have kids or a real job, and they still look like shit. And surprise surprise, those friends are always the ones who are keto or anti-seed oil or intermittent fasting or whatever the latest health bullshit is. 

Let me be clear, I’m not telling you that you have to look good. It’s America, eat whatever the fuck you want that makes you happy. Frankly, if you look worse, it improves my slim chances of getting laid. 

But I can’t stand to listen to another person tell me they “didn’t know” what healthy food was. Your mom told you to eat your vegetables, and your doctor said to have an apple a day. They weren’t telling you to eat fucking Skittles and pour Pepsi down your gullet. 

We all know that if you want to lose weight, you have to eat and cut out processed foods/sugar. We all know that if you want to be jacked, you have to work out hard and consistently. We all know that if you want to get a girlfriend, you have to buy my dating course for $9,999. 

Maybe seed oils and red 40 dye are giving you cancer. But I also know that broccoli, kale, and salmon don’t have any of these things in them - and you always knew you should have been eating them. What’s cooked in seed oils? Wendy’s. What has food dyes in it? Sour Patch Kids. You can’t possibly fucking tell me you didn’t realize those were the problem. 

We all need to collectively stop lying to ourselves and blaming Monsanto or Coca-Cola; it’s our own fault we’re unhealthy. Doritos are god damn delicious, but the only time I ever eat them is when I’m at a Super Bowl party, and I don’t watch football. So I stand around the bowl, avoid eye contact, and finish the bowl pretending it wasn’t me. But when I’m home, I go back to my regular diet and don’t eat Doritos for another 6 months. 

This isn’t Fentanyl, people, you can manage your addiction. If my uncle can admit he has an addiction to Thai ladyboys, then you can admit you have an addiction to certain foods. It’s not the ladyboys’ fault they exist; it’s your fault you keep abandoning your family to see them. The first step is just being honest with yourself.

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital, I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.

Memes

Who knew adderall, strip clubs, and alcohol were a tax write-off.

So apparently, you have to fly to Hawaii and swim with dolphins to become a billionaire.

Finally, someone is doing the humanitarian work the world needs.

Song of the Day

I’ve been obsessed with this song for the past week, and for some reason, it makes me think of my brother Chris, who lives in France. Maybe that’s because Chris has awesome taste in music, and whenever I visit him, we sit on a balcony, sip wine, and listen to songs like this. So, Chris, this song and newsletter are dedicated to you. (P.S. I’m going to call you later, and let’s come up with a plan for us to hang)

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital