The People's Republic of New York City

Good afternoon LPs,

It’s been a while since our last newsletter. But this time I had a good excuse. You see, last week, I was in the jungles of Belize catching spiders and learning about the Mayan civilization. I heard the Mayans used a complex system of “unpaid interns”, and I had to go see this for myself.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Trump threatens to dock the pay of absent air traffic controllers. “I know it doesn’t make sense to dock their check when they aren’t getting one, but I’ll figure out a way,” said the President. (WSJ)

Supreme Court declines to reconsider Same-Sex marriage decision. “I don’t know, the whole thing seems kinda gay to me so I didn’t want to touch it,” said Justice Clarence Thomas (AP)

Government shutdown likely to end after Senate Democrats and Republicans realize how much time they are spending working instead of posting on X. “This whole working thing is such a pain, we just need to get it over with,” read a released statement from both parties. (NYT)

The NYC Mayoral Election

Last week, Zohran Mamdani won the NYC mayoral election in a landslide turnout. After the 2024 presidential election, New Yorkers were once again faced with a depressing choice between an old rapist and a cringe socialist. But this time, New Yorkers chose the cringe socialist. 

Everywhere across America, people didn’t give a fuck about this election. If you watched the news or spent too much time on Twitter, you might be convinced people gave a shit. But the reality is, if you don’t live in New York, why would you care? 

But this election was a great reminder of the problems with America’s politics right now. To show you how retarded this election was, let’s break down each candidate’s platform and major issues: 

• Andrew Cuomo: Help Israel. 

• Zohran Mamdani: Make New York City less expensive. 

• Curtis Silwa: Teach McDonald’s employees Karate and get rid of dog kill shelters. 

Say whatever you want about Mamdani and Silwa, but they were the only ones who focused on problems that appealed to the average New Yorker. Everyone is pissed about paying $4,200/month for a studio apartment, and everyone loves dogs (and Karate movies). 

Cuomo, on the other hand, clearly forgot that Benjamin Netanyahu doesn’t live here; if he did, then he would have had only 1 extra vote. 

Andrew Cuomo is the epitome of American politicians right now. Literally no one likes him, and he ran on a platform that doesn’t speak to the average person. Seriously, not one person who voted for Cuomo would let him hang out alone with their daughter. But for many people, that was their only option other than voting for a socialist. 

This parallels what happened in the 2024 presidential election. Kamala Harris was incredibly unlikable and focused on left-wing issues that don’t appeal to people. No one cares about gender neutral bathrooms when eggs are $9. She didn’t speak to voters; she spoke to super PACs and her campaign funders. 

And surprise, surprise, Cuomo did the same thing. His platform spoke to Bill Ackman and other billionaires, rather than addressing the issues of the 8.5 million people living here. 

But now let’s take a second to look at who Zohran appealed to. It’s easy to say his millennial supporters are losers. I, like you, find many millennials and Gen-Zers annoying as fuck. But these generations were sold a bag of dicks. 

They were told to go to college, get a job, and buy a house. But college is $90,000/year, AI took their jobs, and a 3-bedroom house somewhere that doesn’t suck ass costs $1.2M. 

It shouldn’t be that hard to win these people over. Instead of calling them lazy retards, do something about expensive housing. That doesn’t have to be government-built homes; it could be removing the insane zoning restrictions so people can build new apartments. The vacancy rate in NYC is 5x lower than the national average, so landlords can charge whatever they want. 

This is just one example. There’s a laundry list of other shit you could do to help fix this city. 

And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but for once I agree with Peter Thiel’s analysis. In 2020, he wrote an email to Zuckerberg explaining why he thinks so many millennials have sided with socialism. 5 years later, and this take still rings true.

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital, I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.

Memes

Tough day for Cuomo.

Bryan Johnson took 5 grams of mushrooms for “science,” and the clips are amazing.

Leave the poor rich kids alone.

Song of the Day

This is one of those songs you forget about for a while. Back when it was released in 2022, I used to listen to it all the time. But eventually, a couple of years pass, and you forget about it all altogether. That’s a blessing in disguise. Because now I get to listen to it with fresh ears.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital