The Empire Strikes Back

Good morning LPs,

I apologize for my inconsistency with the newsletter recently. I’ve had a couple of personal things I’ve been dealing with recently (I was in jail in South Polynesia), but I’ll be back on a more routine writing schedule. To make up for my absence, I decided to jump back into things by writing about a totally uncontroversial topic: the American military apparatus.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Mojtaba Khamenei, hardline son of Ali Khamenei, chosen as successor ayatollah, signaling nepotism is alive and well on Wall Street, in the college admissions process, and within dictatorships of oil-rich countries in the Middle East. (NYT)

OpenAI faces major backlash after announcing a deal with the Pentagon. “I guess people don’t like it when you go from non-profit status, to talking about a $1.5 trillion IPO, to getting billion-dollar contracts from the military,” said CEO Sam Altman. (Business Insider)

DOW tumbles 700 points at open after $100 oil price triggers stagflation fears. “This is bad for the economy, but even worse for the White House, which can no longer use ‘The Dow is at 50k’ as an excuse for not releasing the Epstein files,” said one political analyst. (CNBC)

America’s Love Affair With War

On February 28th, the United States government launched Operation Epic Fury, a military operation against Iran’s leadership (not to be confused with Operation Epic Furry, which involved a lot of horny weirdos in dog costumes). 

This was the first attack the U.S. was directly involved in since June. Given the U.S’s addiction to bombing, this 9-month hiatus was fairly impressive. But America’s sobriety could only last so long, and like your crack addicted uncle, they relapsed. 

Now there are a lot of armchair analysts out here telling you why the U.S. is doing this operation. But I won’t do that, because according to my ChatGPT analysis, the reasons “are numerous and varied.” That sounds challenging to explain, so I won’t try to.

Instead, I’m gonna break down how America became so good at war. 

Like any good story, it started on Christmas Day in 1776 when a buck-toothed giant named George Washington decided to cross a freezing river to beat the fuck out of some Germans pretending to be British. In the beginning, America wasn’t very good at war. But what we did have was a crippling addiction to alcohol and a fuming hatred for being told what to do (some things never change). 

At America’s start, it didn’t have much going for it in terms of being a military powerhouse. We lacked experience, money, and weapon production. But what we did have was some of the best land in the world and the advantage of being 3,000 miles from our toxic ex-girlfriend. 

In roughly 70 years, the U.S. proved it was a grower, not a shower, and quickly rivaled the size of Europe. We weren’t particularly good at war yet, but our boys were rough and tough, and in 1861, we began a 4-year scrimmage match where 2.5% of our population killed each other. In today’s terms, that would be like if 4 million blue-haired communists from New York suicide bombed 4 million trump supporters from North Carolina. 

When WW1 happened, we were kind of pussies and were scared to get involved. We played it safe and only dipped our toes into the fight after 18 million people had already died. But then WW2 happened, and shit got real. Technology had massively advanced. Wars could be fought thousands of miles away, and America's distance from its enemies looked smaller and smaller. 

During WW2, we realized a ton of things:

• We could be attacked by an enemy from across the Ocean (Pearl Harbor). 

• Major conflicts we weren't involved in could suddenly affect the global economy and therefore impact the U.S. 

• Our economy could bounce back if we produced weapons and defended our allied interests (sell Europeans planes). 

• We could develop weapons so powerful that everyone was scared of us (nukes). 

These realizations changed the game. Up until this point, militaries were about defending borders and localized conflicts. But the U.S. did something no country had ever done: create a military that could operate anywhere, at any time, and win (except for Vietnam). 

So how did we accomplish this? A couple of ways. 

1. Developed incredibly strong strategic allies. Even after bombing the fuck out of countries like Japan, they are among our strongest allies, and we have military presences in over 50 allied nations. (Our forces in some countries are larger than their own militaries. 

2. Make the best military technology and sell it to our allies. You’re not blowing up your Toyota dealership if you need your Camry fixed. 

3. Weaponize capitalism. This is where the Soviet Union and communism screwed up. They attempted the same sphere of influence as the U.S., but the problem is that people don’t want to eat borscht; they’d rather have Americans set up a McDonalds in their country. 

4. Build up the largest Air Force by a massive margin and then build up the most advanced Navy to weaponize said Air Force. Planes are scary and fly fast. The only thing scarier is when you have massive boats with hundreds of these murder planes strategically placed everywhere in the world. 

5. Manufacture mega submarines that are undetectable, loaded with hundreds of nukes, and place them everywhere in the world. 

6. Build an economy so large that if you start a conflict with the U.S., it will cripple the global economy, and every country will hate you. 

Let me be clear, I’m not saying this is a good or bad thing. I’m just trying to break down why this happened and how this works. This massive sphere of influence maintains the global economy. You’re not starting local conflicts with any of our allies because if you do, you’ll have an $8B plane loaded with boys from Iowa flying overhead in 30 minutes. 

A lot of hippie nerds from New England like to forget this fact, but human beings are a warfaring species. Every year, your aunt promises not to start shit during Christmas dinner, and every year, a plate of Lasagna ends up being thrown through your window. You can lie to yourself and pretend that we as a species have moved beyond conflict, but we all know that’s not true. 

The reality is, the best way to avoid war is deterrence. And the best way to end an unavoidable war quickly is an overwhelming force (except for Vietnam). 

Making My Cofounder Go Viral

Many of you might not know this, but I have a business partner named Will. See, Will is a great guy. He’s genuinely an amazing partner. But there was a problem: he had no social following and was therefore a loser.

So I took it upon myself to start ghostwriting for Will to see if I could make him go viral on LinkedIn. In the first 30 days of posting, we got him over 1M views on LinkedIn, so now when he goes to dinner with a big shot tech bro, he doesn’t have to feel embarrassed about not having clout.

This is my favorite post we wrote for him so far. As we continue to grow his account, I’ll keep a log in the newsletter.

P.S. If you want help going viral on LinkedIn yourself, click the link below.

Hire My Friend

One of my close friends, Tristan, is in the market for a new gig. Here’s the thing, folks: Tristan is one of the most exceptional people I know. He’s an excited startup founder who’s raised millions, built regulated financial products from nothing, and led teams across engineering, compliance, product, and risk.

Would he get an incredible job without my help? Yes. But he’s one of those people who’s so valuable that I feel an obligation to the world to recommend him to my audience.

Here are the kinds of roles where he shines: VC (crypto/fintech), early-stage operator, big tech product/strategy, GTM/partnerships, and consulting.

If you’re hiring for any of the above and might be interested in chatting with him, respond to this email to let me know, and I’ll introduce you.

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital, I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.

Memes

Save the planet, they said.

These Iran clips are getting out of hand.

Finally forcing myself to make IG content. If I’m not famous by the end of the year, I’ll be forced to get an internship at a16z.

Song of the Day

This song absolutely rips. It’s one of those tracks that is good the first time you listen to it, and just gets better and better with time. Stop what you’re doing and give it a listen right now.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks.

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital