The 5 Stages of Billionaires

Good morning LPs,

I turned 28 years old today, so I figured I’d take moment to reflect. If you know anything about me I’ve had a weird career. At 19 I ran marketing for a top cryptocurrency. At 20 I made my first million. At 21 I lost my first million. At 22 I got a job at a VC fund. At 23 I raised a couple million for a startup that failed. At 25 I decided to go back to being a tech employee (and hated it). While all these experiences made me the cynical knucklehead I am today, nothing I worked on felt like the right thing. Until I started this newsletter. Writing Jabroni Capital has been the most fun and rewarding part of my career. I find life more fun when I take things less seriously and all of you that read the newsletter make that possible. So thank you, I genuinely appreciate it.

Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Trump says the US-China trade deal is done. “I know I’ve said it 5 times in the past but believe me folks, this one is as done as my past 3 marriages.” (BBC)

Elon Musk confirms public speculation about autism after apologizing for posts that went too far. “Perhaps accusing Trump of being a pedophile was a little much.” (NPR)

Los Angeles mayor asks protestors to stop throwing molotov cocktails at electric cars amid concerns that battery fires could pollute the environment. “Come on people, we need to protect the environment, aim at the officers instead.” (Politico)

Greta Thunberg was allegedly abused by Israeli authorities, says French doctor. “They fed her Matzah and Gefilte fish.” IDF responds “Her hair stylist did far more abuse with the Lord Farquaad haircut than we ever could” (NDTV) 

Scale AI Bought by Meta

On Tuesday news broke that Meta had paid $15B for a 49% stake in the hot unicorn startup Scale AI. Now most commentators are focusing on the fact that Mark Zuckerberg skirted regulatory review by purchasing the minimum required to avoid monopoly investigations. But I don’t really care about that. Zuck is obviously a genius Lex Luther like character who will inevitably control every aspect of your life. 

What’s more interesting to me however are the articles that dropped this week about Scale AIs former co-founder Lucy Guo, who recently became the world's youngest “self-made” woman billionaire. First of all, once your bank account hits nine zeros gender is irrelevant. You have become a superior being and have evolved from homo-sapien to homo-billionairous.

At this level of wealth everyone is incapable of noticing your physical traits. You can destroy governments, withhold water from African tribes, literally go to space, and do a bunch of other fun things. 

With this recent acquisition, new tech billionaires are being born. And as the Nigel Thornberry of the tech world I have been studying homo-billionairous for years. 

So allow me to break down the 5 stages of being a tech billionaire. 

Stage 1: The Protozoa Stage

At this point the billionaire is not yet a billionaire, they are just really, really rich. They have multiple large controlling stakes in fast growing but not yet mega large companies. Some of their billionaire traits may begin to bloom. They’ve probably have a Rolex or a Patek Phillipe and on long international flights they still consider flying only first class. Many of their friends are billionaires and they feel inferior. So they enter a hyper-growth state where they absorb other protozoans so they can become a multi-cell organism like their richer friends. 

Stage 2: The Invertebrate Stage

They are officially a billionaire, but unfortunately they do not have a spine yet. These creatures live in fear that at any moment they could regress to the previous stage. Most don’t yet have the confidence and straight up ego of later stage homo-billionairous. You will see them on the front of fortune magazine leaning against a Ferrari with their arms crossed. But as any incel can tell you from watching charisma videos on YouTube, crossing your arms is a sign of insecurity. You are basically hugging yourself because you feel scared. 

Stage 3: The Amphibious Stage

You are now a small creature that has formed legs and has crawled onto land. You’ve been a billionaire long enough where everyone knows you’re rich. You begin to feel insecure and your former homo-sapien is screaming at you to relate to human beings. So you purchase a Honda accord and tell people you only drive that to work. You might only wear plain black t-shirts, or live in a 2-bedroom apartment. On the surface they may drive an economy car, but don’t let this fool you. They’re flying private and buying large swaths of land in preparation for the next stage of their evolution. 

Stage 4: The Carnivore Stage

They no longer act poor. They’re confident, hungry, and looking to blow their billions on mega yachts. You’ll often see them partying with Zac Efron. They divorce their homely wife and upgrade to an Eastern European fembot that is more engineered than The Terminator. Honestly this is the most fun and relatable stage of the homo-billionairous. The general public is split into two groups when viewing these billionaires. They either think this lifestyle is sweet or they think it’s disgusting (but deep down they wish it was them). Some of these billionaires will take steroids and become jacked. It isn’t a requirement, it’s just a moment of divergent evolution. 

Stage 5: Ascendence

Not everyone makes it to this final stage. This is reserved for billionaires that are sick of the mortal realm. They’ve overthrown governments, had sex with princesses, and bought every boat available. There’s too much competition on earth, there will always be other billionaires to compete with. The solution is obvious: leave earth. They will now develop a rocket company with the goal of leaving the planet. Mars is a blank canvas where they will be the only billionaire for hundreds of millions of miles. From space they build their death star like battle station, where they can acquire the resources of not just earth but every planet. Admittedly no homo-billionarious has ever completed this stage but we’re closer than ever. 

I am hopeful, my dear readers, that someday all billionaires make it through stage 5. When that happens I will become the richest man on the planet and I promise I’ll be super humble about it. 

Join My Webinar For Founders Raising $500k-3M

Time for a shameless plug

Aside from saying offensive things I also help startup founders raise money. Believe or not, I might actually be better than shitposting.

That’s why I’m hosting two free webinars next Wednesday and Thursday for founders who are raising $1-3M this year.

In the past year I’ve helped pre-seed and seed founders raise $150M+and have been told my workshops don’t make people want to stab out their eyes.

3,000+ founders have come to these webinars, so if you also want help sign up for either of the days below.

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter. Shout out to Eden for referring subs this week!

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Song of the Day

In my early 20s I became obsessed with the idea of radical authenticity. Too many people are putting on act and it’s exhausting. Right as I found myself letting go of the need to be anything other than myself, I found this song by Built to Spill. The lyrics tell you to stop faking it and just live authentically. It’s one of my favorite songs of all time and I think is a perfect choice for my birthday. Give it a listen.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital