Terrorism Olympics

Good afternoon LPs,

It’s currently 95 degrees in NYC, so if you don’t hear from me on Thursday it’s because my air conditioning exploded and decapitated me. Either way, at least I’m not in the UK where the heat wave is likely to kill hundreds. To all of my British readers, stop trying to save the penguins and invest in AC. Stay cool out there people.

Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Meta offers 9 figure compensation packages to attract top AI talent to Meta. “Back in my day a food court and ping pong table was enough. This new generation is soft” said Zuckerberg. (WSJ)

Trump warns everyone to keep oil prices down. “Look what we did to a country thousands of miles away. We can hit you Wall Street fellas too. Don’t think you're safe Jamie Dimon.” Trump posted on Truth Social (CNBC)

Supreme Court to hear case of Rastafarian who had dreadlocks cut by prison officials. “We don’t really have anything better to do, we need to entertain ourselves somehow.” (NBC)

NYC Mayoral candidate Zohran Mamdani discovers that hanging out with a guy who said “America deserved 9/11” isn’t the way to win over NYC voters. (The Guardian)

America Bombs Iran

Over the weekend America bombed Iran’s nuclear enrichment plants in a plan named Operation Midnight Hammer - which coincidentally is what I call trying to bang your mom last weekend. 

There have been disputes about how successful the operation was. Trump says it was a massive success, while Tehran claims it was insufficient. Also coincidentally your mom accused me of missing the right spot, not going deep enough, and pulling out too early. 

It turns out geopolitics and sex with your mother are very similar. It’s a bad idea, not going anywhere, and in the end it leaves both participants disappointed. 

Ok now on a slightly more serious point I want to address some of the ongoing discourse about this recent bombing. 

First Trump, J.D. Vance, and many U.S. officials have praised the flawless operation, stating how amazing it was that America was able to devastate Iran without any financial losses or casualties. My stance is: we better fucking be able to do shit like this. America vs Iran is like the Yankees playing a 5-year tee-ball team. 

For context, the 2025 U.S. military budget is $895 billion compared to Iran’s budget of $24.5 billion. To put things into an even crazier perspective, the seven B-2 bombers that were used to bomb Iran are worth roughly half of Iran’s annual military budget. For fuck sake just the state of California spends more money on police than Iran does on it’s military (even after Iran nearly doubled it’s spend from 2024 to 2025). 

My point is that it shouldn’t be any surprise that America can fuck Iran’s shit up. This isn’t worth bragging about. And like I’ve acknowledged and detailed in the past, America is at least partly to blame for Iran’s tom-foolery. However, there’s a lot of pearl clutching going on on social media where people pretend like Iran is completely innocent. If committing human rights violations and funding terrorist organizations was in the Olympics Iran would have 30 years of gold medals. 

There have been lots of countries America has fucked up that you can travel to without being decapitated. For instance, 60 year ago we thunder-fucked Vietnam for an entire decade, but if your sister goes on vacation there and show’s 2-inches of ankle she isn’t at risk of being thrown into a pit of crocodiles (like some countries in the middle east, cough cough). 

Let me be clear, I’m not out-right supporting the U.S. bombing more places in the Middle East. We’ve done that for 30 years and it hasn’t gone great. But Iran is like your ex-wife at a party who goes around talking shit and turning everyone against you, then acting surprised when you kick her out. Unfortunately for your ex-wife she’s got a public defendant in the divorce and you’ve hired the most expensive (Jewish) lawyer in L.A. Good luck with that fight Susan. 

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.

Memes

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In fairness this is how I act 95% of the time.

I’ve been blaming the war in the Middle East on Italians most of my life.

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It’s hard work, but someone has to do it.

Song of the Day

I don’t know what it is, but I have been on such an 80s music kick recently. Now that I think about it, maybe it’s because the last time we were in the midst of a nuclear cold war everyone was rocking perms. Either way, this is song in particular by The Fixx has been a favorite. If you want to forget about an impending war, give this a listen.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

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That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital