Tech Conferences Suck

Happy Thanksgiving LPs,

I hope you enjoyed the holidays. I spent the week celebrating with my family in New York, and yesterday we held a baby shower for my sister-in-law. As an uncle, I will be training my nephew in the art of venture capital. And inevitably, when he turns 14, the torch of nepotism will be passed to him, and he’ll immediately become a partner at our firm.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

United Kingdom resident becomes addicted to an AI chatbot during a gender transition. Jabroni Capital analysts don’t know if this is bullish or bearish for AI. (WSJ)

Trump says he would “absolutely denaturalize citizens” if he could. “My first ex-wife, my second ex-wife, and my thi–, actually, Nancy Pelosi would be my third,” said Trump when asked who he would denaturalize. (ABC)

Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes' sentences continue to be reduced due to good behavior. “It’s been 6 years since she’s scammed cancer patients, that’s good conduct in my book,” said the judge.  (QZ)

Wall Street reports “top is in” after the pepperoni pizza index slows. “When people are only ordering cheese, things are bearish,” said J.P. Morgan’s Jamie Dimon(NYT)

Tech Conferences Suck

Over the past couple of weeks, I have gotten tons of invites to various tech conferences and events. So I thought it would be fitting to share a throwback newsletter that explains why I often avoid conferences entirely. Enjoy.

This week, TechCrunch is hosting its annual conference “Disrupt,” & many of my followers have asked why I’m not attending. 

Let’s set the record straight: tech conferences in 2025 are for losers. Half of the attendees smell worse than a burning skunk, and the other half are SDRs from Salesforce who look like Mormons wearing $55 button-down shirts tucked into their J.Crew chinos (gross). 

A decade ago, speakers at TechCrunch Disrupt were autistic geniuses who had literally invented the most important things in the world: WIFI, cell phones, & remote-controlled vibrating butt plugs (not that I’m into that sort of thing, the technology is just fascinating). 

But now in 2025, TechCrunch shuffles Ashton Kutcher & The Chainsmokers out on stage and expects people to listen to them explain the importance of investing in founders with Rizz. Newsflash, I could barely listen to the Chainsmokers on 3 grams of Molly with some girl in a full denim onesie grinding on me. 

The only good reason to go to a conference is to cheat on your spouse - but that’s hard to do when 80% of attendees are troglodytes (definition here) wearing a graphic tee that says “code blooded”. 

If you want me to come to TechCrunch Disrupt next year, you gotta do three things: host it at the Playboy Mansion, pay me $280k, and throw in a free vibrating butt plug. 

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital, I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.

Memes

It’s all in a day’s work.

He’s worth every penny.

This video brings me great pain.

Song of the Day

I’ve been in a huge Michael Jackson phase for the last couple of weeks. I thought that after his alleged scandals, people wouldn’t be listening to his music as much. But even 20 years after his death, the King of Pop is still a top 25 artist on Spotify. Chicago is probably my favorite of his tracks right now. So if you haven’t heard it in a couple of years, like me, give it a listen.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital