Tech Conferences Suck

Happy Halloween LPs,

I had a terrifying dream last night. In the dream all of my portfolio company founders petitioned to get me to provide value and answer their emails in a timely manner. Thankfully I woke and I haven’t answered an email since September.

Anyway, in today’s newsletter I’m going to rant about why tech conferences and specifically Tech Crunch Disrupt suck ass.

Let’s get into it.

Tech Conferences Suck

This week TechCrunch is hosting their annual conference “Disrupt” & many of my followers have asked why I’m not attending. 

Let’s set the record straight, tech conferences in 2024 are for losers. Half of the attendees smell worse than a burning skunk and the other half are SDRs from Salesforce who look like Mormons wearing $55 button down shirts tucked into their J.Crew chinos (gross). 

A decade ago speakers at TechCrunch Disrupt were autistic geniuses who had literally invented the most important things in the world: WIFI, cell phones, & remote controlled vibrating butt plugs (not that I’m into that sort of thing, the technology is just fascinating). 

But now in 2024 TechCrunch shuffles Ashton Kutcher & The Chainsmokers out on stage and expects people to listen to them explain the importance of investing in founders with Rizz. Newsflash, I could barely listen to the Chainsmokers on 3 grams molly with some girl in a full denim onesie grinding on me. 

The only good reason to go to a conference is to cheat on your spouse - but that’s hard to do when 80% of attendees are troglodytes (definition here) wearing a graphic tee that says “code blooded”. 

If you want me to come to TechCrunch Disrupt next year you gotta do three things: host it at the playboy mansion, pay me $280k, and throw in a free vibrating butt plug. 

Adver

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Shameless plug time.

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I’m gonna try at a bar this weekend.

Confession: I still don’t know what product managers do.

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I send this to my employees to keep them on their toes.

Song of the Day

Most of you probably have no I idea who Black Thought is and that’s a problem. He’s probably one of the greatest lyricists of the past 20 years. So turn off that shitty Drake song & go listen to this instead:

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That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital