Tech Bro Oligarchy

Good afternoon LPs,

On a drunken whim last weekend I threw all of my inheritance into Trump’s meme coin. I woke up 14 hours later in a duck blur and found myself 8x richer. Naturally I put my profits into Melania’s crypto and lost everything. Looks like I’m gonna have to start stripping again.

Anyway, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

Real news, fake headlines

• A Tsunami warning was issued last week in Japan, but residents are reportedly more scared of Godzilla (CNN) 

• North Korean soldiers captured by Ukrainians became first POWs to beg to stay in prison. (CNN)

• Gavin Newsom announces plan for California to secede from the union becoming “5th richest & 1st gayest country” (Politico)

• U.S. government announces $25M bounty on Venezuelan presidents head, coincidentally google’s #1 search becomes “cheapest flight to Venezuela”. (The Hill)

The Tech Bro Oligarchy

On Monday big daddy Trump was sworn in as the 47th president of the United States. All of the richest tech bros in the world showed up at inauguration to pay their respects.

The world watched in awe as Mark Zuckerberg’s AI model desperately tried to figure out what to say to a girl. Eventually his AI gave up and resorted to looking at boobs. 

Meanwhile on the other side of the tits, Bezos wondered if he still had to pay his employees minimum wage and health insurance now that Trump is in office. 

This photo marks the return of the robber barons. For my poorest followers who are unfamiliar, this was a term used for 19th century business moguls like Vanderbilt, J.P. Morgan, and Carnegie. These 1800s giga chads took advantage of the common man before the pesky U.S. government instituted things like child labor laws and fire escapes. 

The 2nd greatest president in American history, Teddy Roosevelt, took down the robber barons. He broke up trusts, instituted labor laws, and created the national parks. Now 120 years later the greatest president seeks to reverse all of Teddy’s mistakes. 

I had my unpaid intern Jeff go under cover by getting a 2nd unpaid internship at the Whitehouse. According to his investigation, Trump is instituting a 3 step plan to bring the barons back to power.

1. Hand over the national parks to Elon. (Our sources say he has plans to turn Yellowstone into a giga factory & SpaceX launch site)

2. Get rid of the U.S. dollar. Eggs are $14 in NYC. The only way to fight inflation is scrap our dog shit currency and start over. #trumpcoin2025

3. Bring back wage slavery. Teddy R’s pesky policies gave workers weekends off and “basic human rights”. But there’s no law against enslaving AI agents and making them work 24/7. First they’ll get rid of all the DEI hires in the federal government. Then they’ll replace all government employees with AI. That’ll require a lot of computing power, but thankfully after knocking down Yosemite we’ll have plenty of room for server farms.

Personally as part of the wealthy elite, I’m excited for these changes. I just hope after I commit financial warfare on the working class, someone turns me into an awesome political cartoon.

Memes

This might be the greatest twitter exchange of all time.

jabronicap

View more on Instagram

My girlfriend will never understand the bond you create with a cofounder after you scam investors out of $4.3M.

Song of the Day

Today’s song is a throwback to 2018. At the time, I had just dropped out of college and moved to Belgrade, Serbia to work on a gaming cryptocurrency I raised a $53M for (this is true lol). One day on a whim our COO asked me to leave the office and fly to Romania to sponsor an esports team. I remember listening to this song on the flight over.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital