Size Matters

Good afternoon LPs,

Bitcoin is currently at an all time high, which means all of your stupidest friends are currently way richer than you. That’s a tough reality all of us have to face. If you’re struggling to deal with the fact that your dumbest cousin is now a millionaire, I recommend putting your money into dogecoin and praying.

Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Software engineer complains about working as Door Dash driver after being laid off. “I don’t even speak Spanish, not sure how I got this job.” (Fortune)

Klarna executives shocked their product based on poor people buying things they can’t afford loses money. (NBC)

Food delivery driver takes wrong turn onto airplane runway in attempt to deliver $18 burrito (Yahoo News)

New Orleans overtakes Gaza Strip as most dangerous place for citizens after prison break. White college women begin protesting immediately. (CNN)

U.S. losing AAA credit warning sends American Automobile Association and American Applesauce Association stock tumbling.(Morning Brew)

Does Size Matter?

The past 48 hours there has been a ton of buzz on social media about how many of the wealthiest people in the world are “short kings”. These people are claiming that height does not matter, especially in the digital age. I’ve got bad news for these bozos, unless you’re trying to get your dick sucked in the metaverse, this is bullshit. Everyone saying height doesn’t matter are the same people giving themselves an extra 2 inches on their hinge profile. 

I’m sure all of you have friends who are willing to lie to you, but I’m not. This is mostly because I don’t have friends, but I don’t need them because I’m 6 foot 2. Unfortunately the world is cruel, but not to me because I’m 6 foot 2 and I’ve just been given money and respect even though I don’t deserve it. 

In the spirit of fairness, let me break down some of the downsides of being tall: 

• You have to fly first class because your chiseled legs are too long. 

• You have back problems from leaning over to talk to shorter people. 

• When you travel to Asia, everyone assumes you’re a celebrity and takes photos with you. 

• Your above average penis looks small compared to your large body. 

• You have to do more work at your job because you get constant promotions and raises. 

As we can see, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows when your head is in the clouds. So let’s take a look at some of the benefits of being short. 

• You get better at lying because you’re constantly telling people height doesn’t matter to you.

• You can easily find work at sweatshops because you fit in tight spaces. 

• 69ing works better geometrically. 

• Your below average penis looks large compared to your small body.

• If you’re an actor you can get cast in cool roles like playing a child or an oompa-loompa, or even Jack Ma. 

• You save a lot on flights because your GF can store you in the overhead bin. 

Wow! When you’re wrong, you’re wrong.

I just want to go out on a (tall) limb and say that I don’t think this is fair. I know a lot of rich and successful people who are short, I just look down on them, literally. Metaphorically, I look up to them. 

But as my readers know I’m a solution oriented person. I believe in equal opportunities for everyone. Which is why when you get a job at Jabroni Capital instead of offering great 401k benefits we provide complimentary leg extensions for every employee under 6 feet. Unfortunately due to my own policy writing, I don’t qualify. But luckily I easily qualified for a different appendage lengthening procedure per our Jabroni Capital policies.

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter. Shout to Dan for referring the most people to the newsletter this week.

Memes

jabronicap

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I’m convinced 80% of founders posting on LinkedIn don’t actually have a company.

I can’t believe this is a real tweet from the president.

neuralviz

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This is where I’m getting all of my news from now on.

Song of the Day

Next week I’ll be spending a couple days in Paris with my brother Chris, so I thought it was only fitting to choose a song we both love. This probably isn’t surprising but Chris is about 11x cooler than I’ll ever be. He’s the kind of guy who will fly to Albania on a whim or sign up for an 263 mile ultra marathon and complete it without training. He’s also the only person I know who loves the Counting Crows as much as me. August and Everything After is one of our favorite albums, and this track Rain King is one of my top songs from the 90s.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital