Silicon Valley Invests in Ukraine

Good morning LPs,

Last week we launched our first product, Is My CEO a Fraud?, and shockingly it was a success. I spent an egregious amount of money building that dumb app and if it didn’t work my business partner would have beaten me to death with a pickle ball paddle. So on that note, welcome to the 5,000+ new subscribers who joined since last week. Jabroni Capital is the most unhinged newsletter making fun of the tech industry. Prepare yourself to be offended.

P.S. We’re already planning a bunch of new funny products, but if you have ideas for stuff you want us build please let us know.

Alright, let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

Fake headlines, real news

The dow dropped 600 points after Trump sparked fears of a trade war. CEOs who supported Trump's nomination stated, “this wasn’t part of the deal” (CNN)

Entrepreneur Lucy Guo has been accused of allowing child porn on her social media platform. She defended herself, stating “it’s 2025, I thought kids were a allowed to be hot too” (New York Post)

NATO countries met without Trump to discuss the war in Ukraine. Reports show they spent the first 3 hours of the meeting discussing pronouns, but couldn’t come to a consensus. (X)

Blackrock bought ports at either end of the Panama Canal. According to insider reports they plan to purchase the Department of Transportation next. (New York Times)

Ukraine’s Doing a Down Round

Last Friday, Donald Trump sat down with Ukraine’s president Vlodomir Zelensky to discuss America’s ongoing involvement in the war with Russia. Things got heated, and the conversation turned aggressive as JD Vance accused Zelensky of being ungrateful.

Ukraine is like a struggling social media startup (Clubhouse) that’s trying to raise a down round. In 2020, they raised $50B from a16z (aka the U.S.) claiming they were going to compete against Instagram (aka Russia). Back then the startup funding market was more over hyped than a handjob from a 62 year old Chinatown masseuse. So a bunch of smaller funds (all of the EU) saw the U.S. throw big boy money into Ukraine and got FOMO so they tossed in some money to follow on. 

For the past 5 years Ukraine was a silicon valley sweet heart. They got a big office, their CEO made Forbes 30 under 30, and they hired like crazy. But pretty quickly things started to look bad. They spent all their a16z money and weren’t anywhere close to beating the competition. Here’s where the startup made a critical mistake. Their lead investor is an egomaniac, when he sends you merch you need to wear it to meetings and you better say thank you. But Ukraine got cocky, let their Forbes 30 under 30 title go to their head, and fumbled the meeting with a16z. 

Now Ukraine is out of money and trying to raise another round. But their lead investor has pulled out, so they have to raise a down round from B tier VCs (Germany, Poland, France, etc). These B tier investors will tell you they are just as good as a16z, but everyone knows that’s a lie. A16z has the best office snacks and merch. When you’re on their good side, you’re getting a custom Patagonia vest. Unfortunately, the B tiers can only afford North Face which they tell you is just as good. It’s not. But Ukraine can’t afford to complain now. They have to strap on their North Face (gross) and get an injection of cash before they go bust. 

Honestly, I feel terrible for Ukraine, no one should have to rock a North Face while raising money at a lower valuation than their last round of funding. 

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Memes

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Me after launching Is My CEO a Fraud?

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You’re a sucker if you pay people.

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Song of the Day

Growing up Pearl Jam always annoyed the fuck out of me. I liked the instrumentals, but Eddie Vedder’s voice sounded so mumbly. But as I got older and I started to have to do all that adult shit like, pay bills, avoid homelessness, and not get high 15 hours a day. At that point Pearl Jam’s appeal started to make sense to me. A lot of days I wish I could angstly grumble into a microphone and scream about my problems.

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That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital