Sex Sells

Good afternoon LPs,

I’m an addict. 72 hours ago I discovered the sheer bliss of online poker and I’ve done nothing else other than gamble & trash talk middle aged unemployed men. Thankfully for you, my employees threatened to leak my sexts with Jeb Bush if I didn’t write this newsletter. Anyway, here’s what we cover this week:

• Allbirds Stock Down 98%

• OnlyFans: The Most Profitable Creator Business

Let’s get into it.

Allbirds Stock Down 98%

Allbirds, the “iconic” footwear brand lauded by tech bros is down 98% with a market cap of $82M at the time of writing.  

It turns out a shoe brand that appeals to the most unfashionable group of virgins on the planet is a bad idea. 

Our team spent weeks analyzing Allbirds downfall and we’ve made a shocking discovery. 

If an overhyped VC backed company makes it onto a “starter pack” meme it will inevitably go to zero and bankrupt the people who hyped it up. 

Notice anything on the left of this meme? Ethereum - down 47%. Robinhood - down 45% since IPO. Bird Scooters - delisted from the NYSE after hitting a market cap of just $7M. 

We call this phenomenon the Starter Pack prophecy. Watch out founders, if your company makes it on a tech bro starter pack you’re gonna end up here:

Didn’t go to Stanford but need to raise $5M? We can help.

Time for a shameless plug.

Raising money for your startup is a lot like trying to beat the world record for hot dog eating in your studio apartment: it’s lonely, time-consuming, and you don’t know if you’re doing the right things to make it go faster. But we can help you with that. 

I’ve coached dozens of pre-seed/seed founders to raise $1.5-5M from investors like a16z, Sequoia, my dad, and Jeffrey Epstein's family office.

I’ll help you speed up the fundraising process so you can go back to blowing money on AWS & Instagram ads.

This coaching costs between $5-$10k so if that number triggers you, ignore this.

But if you’re willing to spend money to solve your problems, we can help.

Bonus: We’ll even send you a Stanford hat so you can trick investors into thinking you’re more important than you are.

Shameless plug over, time for more fun :)

OnlyFans: The Most Profitable Creator Business

OnlyFans is officially the most successful creator economy business of all time and has reportedly paid out over $1B in dividends to its CEO in the last 3 years. 

You know a business is good when every washed up pop star, mid tier soccer player, & half-wit TikTok influencer is making more money shaking their ass online then coked up wall street brokers. 

The only public personalities that haven’t signed up for OnlyFans are mega-church pastors, but I guarantee that in 5 years Joel Olsteen will be reading prayers in assless chaps & nipple clamps.

While some VCs require their team to get on X, we’re doing things differently. Jabroni Capital will be the first fund where every employee is required to do OnlyFans. 

For $690 our unpaid intern Jeff will review your seed deck covered only by whip cream & for $500,000 I’ll send you a jar of tears I’ve cried over my loveless father. 

Memes

jabronicap

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This reel of ours has almost 200k views. If we didn’t get this win, I was gonna have our social media intern Fox tarred and feathered.

mytechceo

183K followers

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This is honestly a good use for company money.

corporate.bro

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If playing 8 hours of League of Legends isn’t a cool hobby, a lot of software engineers are screwed.

Song of the Day

I’ve been back on a 90s music kick recently. This is what I listen to when the girl I’ve gone on 3 dates with dumps me.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital