Sam Altman Joins Jabroni Capital

Jabroni Capital announces the recruitment of Sam Altman to their team

Welcome to the 126 Jabroni’s who became LPs since the last issue. If you haven’t subscribed yet, I’ll blackmail your parents with AI generated photos.

Sam Altman Joins Jabroni Capital

Good morning LPs,

I am beyond excited to announce that Sam Altman has joined Jabroni Capital as our latest unpaid intern.

This is perfect for Sam, because he is used to not receiving compensation.

Sam Altman hates being paid

For those of you who have been living under rocks, late last week Sam was ousted from his role as CEO of the demon corporation - OpenAI. The company is famous for the creation of their flagship product, ChatGPT, which we use at Jabroni Capital to write every single investment memo, founder rejection email, and midwit tweets (but I pinky promise not for this newsletter).

Sam’s ousting came as a shock to many silicon valley insiders, myself included. In 2023 the company rocketed to $1.3B in annual revenue & raised over $10B at a ~$30B valuation. 

What Mr. Altman forgot, is that OpenAI making money limited the company's potential. When your startup is only making $1.3B, it’s really hard to justify a $1 trillion dollar valuation. If OpenAI was still pre-revenue they could have argued that by 2025 they could potentially hit $300B in annual profit. This mistake obviously angered the OpenAI board. 

While this is a devastating blow to Sam, his joining Jabroni Capital is an opportunity to revolutionize the VC industry. With Sam’s help we will automate away all of the strenuous and challenging tasks associated with investing.

By 2025 Jabroni Capital will have zero human employees and will be run entirely by AI. 

With a team made up completely by AI, Jabroni Capital will be able to work 20x faster than the next VC firm. In a single day, our AI partners, associates, and analysts can source thousands of potential investments and reject all of them in record time. Imagine a world where a VC doesn’t have to spend 40 seconds making up a bullshit reason for why they passed on a startups seed round. Instead, our AI team will be able to string along founders and destroy their hopes and dreams in mere seconds.

Obviously, this is huge news. And with huge news, we need huge press. That’s why per our instruction, Sam has begun training in Brazilian jiu-jitsu and come summer of 2024 will fight Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg in a battle royal. This will be the biggest and most publicized fight in human history between the 3 biggest dorks of all time. Regardless of who wins, Jabroni Capitals name will come out on top. 

Thank you for your continued belief in Jabroni Capital. You can expect updates on Sam's conditioning - next week he’s fighting in his first training match against Greta Thundberg.

Join My Fundraising Bootcamp

Shameless plug time before more fun.

Aside from making VCs cry on LinkedIn, my full time gig is helping early stage startup founders raise money.

This winter I’m running a 2-week fundraising bootcamp to help pre-seed/seed startup founders raise money. I’ve run dozens of bootcamps & helped early stage founders raise $60M+ in the last two years.

Pitch Deck Roast

Today we’re going to pick apart Mystic Games deck. But first, here’s the response from the team we roasted last week:

Feedback from the Zintler team

(Anyone who consents to being roasted will be sent genuine constructive feedback privately & copious fundraising resources that my clients pay for)

I’ve been so focused on the crisis in the middle east, I was ignorant to the candy crush crisis.

Clearly there are not nearly enough games for middle aged women to play while drinking chardonnay at 2pm.

In a moment of dyslexic bliss I missed that this was a web3 crypto grift on slide 1. Someone tell our unpaid intern Jeff to bring me a bottle of whiskey.

I have literally no fucking clue what undercutting web3 means. The definition of undercutting is to offer goods at a lower price than competitors. Does this mean you’re competing against an entire fake industry?

Also, it’s really easy to have high retention when you’re paying people in the Philippines who make $5/hr to play your game.

Oh awesome, we have results! But see I don’t know what these results are for since you’ve told me literally nothing about what you’ve built yet.

Ok ignore everything I’ve said so far, we’ve got a couple hot European guys, you’ve reeled me back in.

Alright great. So you’ve listed components of the future you’re building, but I still have no idea what you’re actually building.

Literally nothing in the Already In section means anything to me. Except when you say curves with noise. I’m assuming you’re talking about my ex Jessica.

I also had an unbreakable core until my dad told me he didn’t love me.

Cut anything that increases time to market? How about the web3 portion, that’ll save you a lot of time.

Ok more tech stuff & a title that says something that means nothing to me. You guys are spending so much time on technology and missed the things I care about: how you will make money, why you’ll make money, & why I should give you money.

I know you apparently will be rewarding Filipino children for playing your game, but I have no fucking clue how you will make money.

More philosophy!!!!??? Is this a liberal arts college term paper?

This is the first slide that says anything about how you make money, except it’s incredibly vague.

Also, this is the first slide where you mention tokens, but you do it in a small bullet on the page. Are you minting your own crypto token? Are you using someone else’s? This seems really important and worthy of it’s own slide.

In my experience every startup that says they have limited spots in their seed round, actually has unlimited spots in their seed round.

And wait a second, 5 million what? Dollars? Tokens? Do I get the tokens for investing you? I was hoping to get equity in a company that might be worth something, but now I’m wondering if I’m giving you 5 million dollars to give to Filipino children.

This is supposed to tell me where your money is going, but now I’m more confused. Is the 25% you’re spending on your ‘catalyst’ going to web3 development and the launch of a token? How is AI involved? What innovations are you making with the blockchain?

Conclusion

Once again, this team is very experienced & looks like they’re talented game developers. But this pitch deck is written like it’s trying to win over other game nerds, instead of convincing Patagonian wearing VCs to give you 5 million dollars (I’m still not 100% that’s what you’re raising).

Note to the team: focus less on pitching your philosophy and more on pitching this as a business. I look forward to you guys cleaning up the pitch deck and releasing a game that becomes #1 on the appstore which leads me to a life long depression from missing out.

If you’re a startup founder and want to be roasted, submit your pitch deck below.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital

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