Rise to Power

Good morning LPs,

I’ve been in Italy for the last 10 days & I’ve realized that Italian dudes would be incredible VCs. They barely do any work & they’re oddly confrontational despite being allergic to exercise & 5 foot 7. Needless to say I feel right at home. Anyway, here’s what we talk about in today’s newsletter:

• P. Diddy & SBF Share Jail Cell

• NYC Mayor Eric Adams Indicted

Let’s get into it.

P. Diddy & SBF Share Jail Cell

Rapper P. Diddy (aka The Diddler) & notorious crypto entrepreneur Sam Bankman-Fried (aka Ugly Duckling) are sharing a room in a Brooklyn jail cell. 

According to our reports SBF was scared at first but is now complaining because “Diddy hasn’t taken an interest in me”. You know things are bad when the guy with 42,000 bottles of baby oil in his rape closet doesn’t want to diddle you. 

Instead SBF & Diddy have joined forces to launch a cryptocurrency platform called the Real Time Automatic Purchasing Exchange aka RapeX.

According to our sources RapeX has already raised $300M from Hollywood execs like Bryan Singer & Harvey Weinstein. 

I’m not sure what RapeX does, but even my lawyers wouldn’t allow me to invest.

NYC Mayor Eric Adams Indicted

Last week NYC Mayor Eric Adams was indicted by the U.S. federal government on corruption, bribery, & wire fraud charges. 

Adams allegedly received hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of gifts (business class flights, 5 star hotels, etc) from foreign governments. This has inspired me to run for NYC mayor. 

VCs & corrupt politicians have a lot in common. Both are:

• Wildly under qualified for their jobs 

• Use their power to get vulnerable people do do things for them

• Love flying business class to Italy for “work” 

• Paid $250k/year but actually make millions

With my mayoral candidacy I am one step closer to my dream of having a Wikipedia page that reads like this.

Memes

“If you’re not hard, how can I expect you to go hard at work”

jabronicap

View more on Instagram

Human resources is holding back us nepo-babies.

Hold my beer, gotta go stock pile gold bars.

Song of the Day

Last Thursday my brother Paul got married. A couple Italian men sang this Coldplay classic as he walked up the isle & I wept harder than when my dad told me my macaroni art was terrible.

On a serious note I want to take a few seconds to dedicate today’s newsletter to Paul.

My career hasn’t exactly been easy. I chose an untraditional & often painful path with meteoric rises followed by colossal falls. Along the way Paul has been one of my closest confidants & strongest supporters.

At lows he gave me a floor to sleep on, bought me meals, & helped me make friends when I needed companionship.

When I started Jabroni Capital a ton of people told me I could ruin my career & suggested I stop. Paul was among my first fans & told tell me to keep going.

You wouldn’t be reading this without him.

Thank you for everything Paul.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital