Rest In Peace

Good afternoon LPs,

One of the fun things about being a “content creator” who’s also an identical twin is that you get twice as many psychos coming up to you on the street. So to whoever went up to my brother James yesterday and thought I was fucking with them, I promise you for once I wasn’t. I do in fact have a clone who is funnier, cooler, and more jacked than me.

Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.

Hard and Fast News

fake headlines, real news

Hundreds of startups pivot to building deportation-tech after Palantir announces $30M government contract (Techcrunch)

Scientists have found new evidence on life on another planet, Defense Department releases report stating, “I think we can nuke them” (The Atlantic) 

OpenAI now requires ID verification to access their API, Sam Altman promises not to keep records of all of your ChatGPT logs and blackmail you someday (X)

Former Columbia student releases app to allow people to cheat on everything, early adopters state, “now I know every pick up line, but I’m still ugly and weird” (X)

Southern California mayor says he wants to ‘purge’ homeless population by giving them ‘all the fentanyl they want’ (this is a legit headline lol - NY Post)

Pope Dies After Meeting JD Vance

Sadly Pope Francis died this morning in Vatican City. His death came within hours after meeting Vice President J.D. Vance. Coincidence? I think not. 

In fact Jabroni Capital has intercepted a transcript from a private conversation between JD Vance and Donald Trump just moments before Vance arrived in Italy to visit the Pope.

Here’s what they said:

Donald Trump: JD, my wing man. My second in command. I’ve always liked the name JD, why? Because it stands for “Just Do It”, and you know what you have to do. I tried trade marking that slogan but those bastards at Nike stole it from me. 

J.D. Vance: I don’t think I can Donald, he’s the pope. You know me, I’m down to bomb any village in the world, but as a Christian I feel like this might stay with me for a couple days. 

Donald Trump: You heard what Francis has said. He wants us to stop the deportations. I asked ChatGPT and it turns out he’s from ARG-entina. You know where that is? México. He’s an illegal. Probably part of MS13. I warned people. These gangs have deep cover operatives everywhere. The FAA, the TSA, the McDonalds on 57th St, and now the Vatican. Why do you think he wears those robes? To cover up gang tattoos. 

J.D Vance: Jesus Christ I had no idea, do we have evidence of this? 

Donald Trump: We don’t have time for that, we have to act fast and deport him back to the spirit realm. Before you ask, don’t worry I checked with our experts. Méxican’s go to a different spirit realm. 

J.D. Vance: Ok I’ll do it, but I don’t want anything getting out about this. 

Donald Trump: That’s impossible, everyone thinks you’re a total pussy. They’ll never expect it. 

I believe there was more to the conversation, but that’s where the transmission ended. Obviously the Jabroni Capital team was shocked by this news, we also thought J.D. Vance was way too much of a pussy to pull this off but when you’re wrong you’re wrong. 

Regardless, we’re excited to be the first reputable news source to publish this, but the new pope will in fact be TV mega church pastor Joel Olsteen. A man who better aligns with American values. 

If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter. Shout out to Paul.

Memes

jabronicap

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Walking away like a smooth criminal.

corporate.sween

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This is the best way to fire people.

jabronicap

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Nepotism is the name of the game.

Song of the Day

Sometimes you hear a song and you just know it’s going to be one of your anthems for the next couple months. This is one of those songs. On Sunday I was hungover and tired after a long night of bonding with my brother James. But while I listened to this song walking around the streets of NYC I found myself wanting to dance. Give it a listen, you won’t regret it.

Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital