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Released From Jail
Julian Assange goes free, a 105 year old graduates from Stanford, and traditional media continues to die
Jack Kuveke
June 27, 2024
Good morning LPs,
A couple weeks back I did an unhinged podcast interview and some of the clips are absolute gold, check this one out. Alright, here’s what we’re going to cover in today’s newsletter:
Julian Assange Released From Jail
105-Year-Old Receives Her Master’s Degree From Stanford
Traditional Media is Dying
Let’s get into it.
Julian Assange Released From Jail
REPORT: Julian Assange spent $500k for his flight out of the UK to avoid landing on the American homeland after he was released from prison.
Assange will instead be landing on a remote U.S. island where he will plead guilty to the charges.
The island is the U.S. territory of… x.com/i/web/status/1…
— Collin Rugg (@CollinRugg)
12:47 PM • Jun 25, 2024
Famous whistleblower Julian Assange has been released from prison after making a plea deal ending nearly 15 years of confinement.
According to our reports, the U.S. government has offered him an internship at Boeing to help make amends and launch his new career. Before accepting this position, Assange made a public statement saying, ‘I swear I will not kill myself’.
A spokesperson for the DOD responded saying, ‘It’s too early for Assange to say that internships can be very stressful.’
As someone who employs 43 unpaid interns I actually agree with this. At Jabroni Capital we do not offer competitive insurance, however we do pay for complimentary mental health counseling because I couldn’t imagine working 12 hours/day without pay.
105-Year-Old Receives Her Master’s Degree From Stanford
105-year-old woman receives her master’s degree from Stanford University.
— Pop Base (@PopBase)
6:03 PM • Jun 25, 2024
Jabroni Capital just hired our first woman!
On our website we can now claim to have over 106 years of collective work experience. Additionally, we’re giving her Bryan Johnson’s protocol in the hope that in 15 years we can have over 120 years.
We believe she will quickly become one of our best employees. She’s never used email, Twitter, or LinkedIn so she’ll be able to ghost founders & stall investments better than anyone on our team.
She’ll be our first employee to be fully compensated in elderflower lozenges and Cracker Barrel gift cards.
Traditional Media is Dying
Why go direct? This chart.
Trad media traffic is collapsing.
Things are bleak in the industry. Good writers are underpaid, layoffs loom constantly. Everyone needs a backup plan.
Top writers already have their own newsletters.
Founders need to be building their own audiences.
— Lulu Cheng Meservey (@lulumeservey)
1:02 PM • Jun 23, 2024
Traditional media companies are in the shitter. According to our reports things are so dire, CNN has hired the Hawk Tuah girl to help with the ratings.
This is actually a good idea, because the only news company that’s still growing and retaining their audience is Naked News.
this is a legit news broadcast lol
Additionally, our team of Autists has confirmed we’re making more than CNN with a staggering $9,743 in yearly revenue. Although, I’m still not sure why our analysts refused to get up from their desks while compiling this report.
If there’s anything to takeaway from this, it’s that in 2024 people will only consume the news if it’s relayed in 60-second clips from someone your mom would hate if you married.
Memes
This is the right way to handle things.
It’s not my fault the only founders worth investing in went to Stanford.
This clip where AOC was rallying hard for Jamaal Bowman aged so poorly lmao
So embarrassing to watch
— litquidity (@litcapital)
3:03 AM • Jun 26, 2024
This is who’s leading our country, god help us.
Song of the Day
Last weekend I was out with friends and the DJ kept playing 2000s pop hits that went so fucking hard. Here’s my favorite nostalgia blast from the past.
speaking of blast from the past, here’s a photo of me when I had a lions mane
How was the newsletter today? |
That’s all for this week folks,
Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital
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