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Good afternoon LPs,
Over the weekend 100 people sent me the news about Elizabeth Holmes husband raising money for a new blood testing startup. So I’m just going to come out and say it: I am in fact leading their round. She didn’t get a fair shot the first time she tried to do this business, and Jabroni Capital is prepared to help her build Theranos 2.0.
Anyway let’s get into today’s newsletter.
Hard and Fast News
fake headlines, real news
Elizabeth Holmes’ husband raises millions for a new blood testing company. “They’ve learned a lot from their failures” says VC leading round. Fortune
Trump aims to slash prescription drug prices by 50% to undercut Mexican cartels. “The art of the deal folks - take notes!” NBC
Bill Gates accuses Musk of killing children with budget cuts. Says, “I was planning to invite those kids to my Island, Elon”. (CNN)
Trump to Replace Air Force One with Jumbo Jet Gifted by Qatar
Over the weekend Trump made headlines after he said he would accept a so-called “flying palace” as a gift from the Qatari government. Many critics are concerned that this $400M+ gift could influence Trump’s treatment of Qatar, but that’s just crazy.
When I was in high school my parents gave Stanford University $28M to enhance the venture capital curriculum on campus. A year later when I was accepted into Stanford, many people said that small gift had an impact on my enrollment. This was ridiculous. My 22 ACT score, my 3rd place ballet performance, and my incredible interpersonal and business “rizz” secured my position.
Trump is dealing with similar unfounded accusations, and Jabroni Capital won’t stand for this. Sure, Qatar has funded numerous terrorist organizations and housed their leaders. But have you ever been on Qatar airlines? It’s really fucking nice. If you forced me to make a choice between flying Spirit Airlines or Qatar Airlines, but there’s a 50/50 chance the Qatar plane flies into the World Trader Center I’m rolling those dice.
This isn’t preferential treatment, it’s merit based. If North Korea had 5 star resorts, gold bath tubs, and first class cabins that came with rub and tugs, America would support them. But unfortunately they’re flying Soviet era garbage, so they deserve those tariffs.
America has been accepting gifts from other countries for hundreds of years, but rarely are they any good. Remember the Statue of liberty? They gave us a copper statue of a chick who was a 7/10 on a good day. If they had given us a 300 foot tall gold-plated statue of Margot Robbie, France would still be on our good side.
This is Trump's genius way of teaching countries basic incentives. If you say please and thank you, daddy lets you have dessert. In case you hadn’t noticed, Trump just reached a trade deal with China. Is this a coincidence? No. China saw that Qatar did something nice for America, so they stepped up and did something too. China doesn’t have awesome planes like Qatar, but what they do have are great walls.
In exchange for reducing tariffs, China has agreed to build a great wall across America’s southern border.
Countries around the world are now stepping to impress America with gifts. For instance:
México is installing a tequila pipeline from México City to Fort Lauderdale.
The Philippines is donating 100,000 child workers to help us build iPhones.
Italy is building us a 180 foot tall parmesan cheese wheel - delicious.
South Korea has gifted Trump their hottest up & coming K Pop star.
Everyone is quick to criticize Trump, but he knows what he’s doing and Jabroni Capital is extremely excited to see what awesome gifts we get next.
If you refer 5 people to Jabroni Capital I’ll write you an unhinged LinkedIn recommendation and feature it in the newsletter.
Memes
Like clockwork.
This is what you have to look forward to in the 2025 job market.
This is what I would do the second I raised money.
Song of the Day
This is what I’m going to listen to when I’m at lake Cuomo this summer pretending like I worked for my money instead of inheriting it.
Listen to the full Jabroni Capital playlist here.
Me questioning my career choices while looking at the NYC skyline.
I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)
How was the newsletter today? |
That’s all for this week folks,
Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital
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