Pity Sex

Good afternoon LPs,

This weekend I got uncomfortably high with an 8x platinum music producer and then fell asleep underneath a Japanese maple tree. Needless to say, it was a 10/10 weekend. Anyway, here’s what we cover in today’s newsletter:

• Founder Complains in Investor Update

• UK Makes Certain Social Posts Illegal

• Musk to Interview Trump on X

Let’s get into it.

Founder Complains in Investor Update

When I read this post I felt so bad for this founder. I also received a terrible wrist injury this weekend while I was rigorously working my D - wait did this guy say he got an injury working on his Deck???

It seems this founder is so used to pity sex that he thought this strategy would work on VCs. 

Let me put this into terms my readers will understand.

When you’re at a west village party you might be able to spin a tale to an NYU theater girl about how your uncle died in a tragic jet ski accident 2 years ago, and she might feel bad enough to give you a pity hand job in the closet. 

But good luck trying the pity move on the Alabama cheerleading team at a post football game frat party. Jessica, Cindy, Becky, and Amanda won’t even need to get their quarterback boyfriend to kick your ass, you’re such a beta they’ll throw you out of the party themselves.

Hire Talent That Doesn’t Suck

Most founders spend wayyyy too much money hiring expensive gen-z employees who suck & complain that you don’t offer free Sweetgreen. But that’s where my friends at Agent can help.

Agent helps startups hire global talent that are 70% cheaper & 100% less annoying than your current shitty employees. They’ve placed 1000s of candidates & most of their clients use them to hire multiple employees.

I’m using them right now to hire a lawyer that can help me avoid prison time.

So instead of spending $100k on an employee who gives you migraines, have Agent source candidates for you for free today.

UK Makes Certain Social Posts Illegal

Late last week the UK Government announced that it would be arresting people for social media posts that were deemed to incite violence or hatred.

Multiple of my concerned fans reached out saying I should avoid traveling through the UK. Thankfully my dear readers, I fly private so I haven’t had to take a connecting flight through the UK in over 4 years. If I did, I would certainly be thrown in jail.

Hey U.K. government, how about before you start arresting people for posting retarded things on social media, you arrest people who skip trips to the dentist.

For real, you people conquered literally half of the world and now have a smaller economy than America's gayest state (which has 2/3rds as many people btw).

I recommend you take something out of America’s playbook, and instead of trying to reduce violence you pass laws banning parents from misgendering their children.

Musk to Interview Trump on X

Over the weekend Elon Musk announced that he would host an unscripted interview with Donald Trump tonight, August 12th at 8pm EST. 

Normally you’d expect me to crack a joke or make some satirical statement, but I’m at a loss for words. This is a bigger media event at OJs murder trial. 

But thankfully I have a stockpile of Zyn and Whiskey prepared for moments just like this. 

I’ll be live streaming my live reaction to the interview on Youtube at 8pm EST. 

Memes

corporate.bro

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This is common in our office, mostly because employees aren’t allowed to talk to one another.

This is what happens when you complain to your corporate overlords.

mytechceo

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I couldn’t have said it better myself.

You probably won’t know the reference, but this vid made me laugh so fucking hard.

Song of the Day

Here’s the song of the day. I listen to this on the subway car and imagine I grew up as a simple country boy, when in reality I grew up going to sailing school.

Newsletter Feedback

I’d love your feedback on what sort of content you’d like to see or how you think I could improve :)

That’s all for this week folks,

Jack Kuveke (J.K.) | GP @ Jabroni Capital